Your First Fight Will Be Your Last

I had an interesting conversation with a friend who’s divorced the other day.  She’d read an article that discussed how when you remember back to the first fight you had with your partner (and you were now broken up/separated/divorced) you will find that it was your last fight issue too.

So far, in my personal research of asking friends who are divorced, it’s true.  What about you?  What do you think?  Is it true for you?  I’d love to hear your stories.

Mine was about trust.  He asked if I trusted him and in an inebriated state, I answered, “No,” and promptly fell asleep.  It was early in our dating relationship and I told the truth.  I mean, I trusted him, but still not completely.  Fast forward decades later and I wished I could go back and tell that naive girl that she was right.  But then I wouldn’t have my sons and they are worth all the hell I’ve been through and all the lessons I’ve learned and all the growth I’ve achieved.

His response to my saying “no” was a foreshadowing of our life together and I wish I’d paid attention.  I grew up in a family of conditional love so looking back, his response sadly felt comfortable.  Who knew?

I wasn’t even aware of the conversation until the following morning when he fiercely gave me the silent treatment.  I repeatedly asked why he was mad because even though I had a vague recollection of the conversation the night before, I didn’t think it was a big deal.  We were just starting to date.  But he did.  To him, it was a directly hurtful personal attack which he made me pay dearly for by refusing to speak to me for hours and repeatedly telling me that I knew what I’d done wrong (even though I continued to ask him why he was upset because I still didn’t know that we were talking about my answering, “No,” to his question, “Don’t you trust me?”).  He manipulated me into sobbing and begging for his forgiveness for hurting his feelings.  The silent treatment was an expertly wielded weapon that he bullied me with and the pattern was established with his power.  And I was too naive to understand.  He could always read me like a book because I wear my heart on my sleeve and he knew that I would never intentionally hurt someone, especially not someone I was falling in love with.  Over and over these situations in different ways popped up through the marriage and it was only towards the end that I became aware and chose not to play the silent treatment game anymore.  And that was the end of the end.  Because I wasn’t a fuel source anymore.

So tell me about your first and last fight?  Were they about the same issue?

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10 Responses to Your First Fight Will Be Your Last

  1. LA says:

    Ooh…I don’t remember my first and last fight with my ex, but I’m betting it was probably similar….interesting!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t remember the first fight, and we’ll, the last … is where my epiphany was born.

    Like

  3. Pallavi says:

    An interesting take and something which makes a lot of sense. Happy for you for getting out of what seems like an unhealthy relationship.

    On a separate note, I like your writing style. It’s captivating and makes your readers glued on until the end. Keep it up.

    Like

  4. Wow, that’s a horrible story Janie. What a way to live. I’m sure that now, you can see what a toxic pattern that is. I’m not sure the analogy holds for me. My ex-husband and I argued all the time. We were explosive, but it was ‘the dance’ of our union, which began at 17 and ended in my 40s. We grew up together, or should I say, I grew up and he stayed emotionally young. Now, I really appreciate being in a relationship where we don’t ‘fight’. We’ve only had one brief few days of ‘difficulty’, exacerbated by not being together so that we could talk it through. I love being with a calm, healthy adult man and not a wounded, manchild with zero EQ. And I don’t just mean by ex-husband – the world is full of them. I like your story though, and the idea holds true for you. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you for sharing your experience as well. Perhaps the explosive arguing was the pattern set so that it wasn’t the matter of the first fight being your last but the pattern of toxicity that permeated the relationship.
      I am so grateful that you have found a wonderful healthy man in your life! That fact gives me inspiration to continue to heal and to find one for myself so that I can continue this life journey with someone special! Yay you! ♥

      Like

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