Do not mistake my choice to patiently allow what is to happen as surrender. While I am not being vocal about it, I am quietly allowing what is to unfold, to do exactly that now. It isn’t easy for me to sit back and stay quiet, but I am, for the welfare of my kids and for our relationship. And man oh man, it’s hard to do! Which is probably why I’m writing right now since I can’t talk about it.
I understand that the time has come for truths to emerge and there’s been a lot of lying, half-truths and full on deceit as well as evasiveness from the ex and his family. I have only occasionally defended myself when needed because the outrageous accusations had to be addressed. But I’ve come to a peaceful place where I have chosen to reside.
I no longer defend myself from asinine innuendos because I know the truth and I have factual proof. My kids have been trying to manage two camps for the longest time – mine and their Dad’s and I’ve surrendered. Prior to now, I had surrendered as I was forced to by the powerful ex family because I watched my kids suffer between us. They used the kids as leverage to hurt me, but it was hurting us all. So I walked away from the scene and allowed the kids to know that I won’t play tug of war with their affections.
I am Mom and I told my kids that they have my blessing to find peace. If their presence is demanded at the ex’s family home and they want to go, please go and enjoy. If they choose not to attend, then that’s fine too. But above all, it is THEIR comfort that I put above my own. I always have and I always will.
It’s not about letting the ex family win because my kids have started to see the reality and I trust they are intuitive enough to fully get the picture at some point. We’ve had numerous conversations where the kids have vented about their frustrations with the ex’s family and how things have been handled badly. While occasionally I will agree with them, for the most part, they just need a listening ear, but it’s hard not to jump on that wave of discontent and add to it with my own stuff.
But that woudl not help my kids, nor our relationship. They have to realize the truth in their own time. And they’re beginning to do just that which is good.
I pleaded with the ex to continue to have a relationship with our kids. I did everything I could to help them to bond. I even continued the lies he had told them until the kids asked me outright for the truth which I then gave. My thought was always if you ask me then you should be told the truth because then I think you are ready to hear it. And they have and I have told the truth, unbeknownst to the ex. (their Dad).
It’s a messed up situation with their Dad and his family. There’s mental instability which makes for incredible situations that are so illogical. Many times I remind myself that we are not dealing with neuro-typicals and therefore there’s no way to anticipate nor plan.
So I’ve surrendered and my kids are blossoming because of it. There is peace in our hearts as a family of three. There is support, love and kindness. There’s understanding all around. They get why I don’t put my foot down anymore and I simply allow them to do what they feel is right under each and every unique or patterned circumstance that comes. When they ask advice, I will advise from a place of peace and the bigger picture which helps us all.
It’s been really challenging and I have held my tongue quietly many times instead of blurting out how I feel because my view as the ex and Mom is different from theirs. There’s a completely different dynamic that when they’re ready, I will explain when they ask. And knowing my kids, they will ask at some point and then I’ll know that they are ready to understand.