I’ve never been a Barbie doll who’s got it all together, perfectly coiffed, dressed and with a bod like a supermodel. Back in my younger days I was asked to model a little. I was really thin back then as a result of the eating disorder that I’ve since healed from, but other than that, I’m a normal-sized petite (read short) 50ish woman. I’ve got some wrinkles and laugh lines. And while I’d love to get rid of the forehead wrinkles, I’ve earned every crease so there’s no changing those because I won’t go under the knife. And when I asked, so far, nobody’s thought Botox would remedy it. So here I am. Sounds less than stellar, huh?
But it’s me. And I like me.
That’s a huge statement for me to write. I like me. I don’t say it in a flippant way either. I’ve earned that phrase because it took a lot of healing and inner work to get there.
But would I tweak me? Yes, if I could afford it. I’d like to soften the lines and nip and tuck a little around the edges. But that’s not going to happen right now and that’s ok. So let me ask you: Are there parts that you’d like to improve in whatever that means to you?
Because let’s face it, we don’t look like our younger selves. We look similar, but not exactly the same. And that’s what the 50’s are for – to accept and to enjoy what we have right now. Let go of the “but I was a size 0” mentality and accept that we’re a size 4 now. Well, except when we’re winter bathing suit shopping! Then there’s no getting around that feeling of blech especially with white pasty skin, but that’s a post for another day.
I keep feeling that I’m grateful that I’m here so, in whatever that looks like, I am accepting of it. I’ve started back to the gym twice a week with a trainer and while I haven’t seen any big changes, I feel them in other ways. I’m standing a little bit taller. I’m more conscious about my eating habits and even though I’ll never give up chocolate, I’ve been trying to remember my vitamins and take better care of me. Because this is only body I’ve got and I want it to last for as long as I can.
Growing up and being married into a family who were staunch about being properly dressed, slenderness required, always put together with perfection and without boundaries to be loudly and extremely judgmental of anyone and everyone, was hard for me. Inner beauty wasn’t highly sought as much as outer beauty and what we looked like to the masses. So, I was an enigma to them. Because while I conformed to the set rules of conduct, I admired inner beauty more and viewed others through that inner beauty lens more than the outer.
I hold onto that saying – beauty is in the eye of the beholder – because I’m hoping, one day, someone will see past the physical to the inner beauty and I will see him in the same way. Does that make sense to you?
How are you feeling about your middle-aged body? Ladies? Gents?