I just read this clever acronym. FLY – First Love Yourself and that’s I think the main ingredient in healing from whatever you’re experiencing. I thought I loved me, but lately it’s been a challenge. Because that authoritative voice inside of my head tells me otherwise. That I don’t measure up. That I’m not worthy. That I need to surpass any obstacle so that I can’t be blamed for whatever. It’s an awful burden to shoulder alone.
But I don’t think I’m alone in this situation. Sure, my situation may be different from yours, with different triggers or a different bossy voice, but the feeling of being ‘not enough’ may be the same. And that’s where our power is to heal by processing and healing the feeling that comes when we hear those criticisms that may or may not be truth.
We need to process those childhood beliefs that were handed over like parental rights and laws that were to be followed. Because when we unearth the laws that we thought were true, we may find them a bunch of hooey and be able to release them from our subconscious.
Examples: Don’t make a mistake. Be prepared at all times. Love is conditional and can be taken away or given at any moment depending on the views of the person who is in charge and how the view how you are behaving. You either merit the love at the moment or you do not. Merit the love requires that you “do as I say, not as I do” which means the rules only apply to you and not to the one in charge even if the rules are not valid. You don’t have a say in any matter because the one in charge is boss. Boundaries are non-existent and you may not have any nor may you complain when the boss has crossed them because they can and you cannot. You are trained to be a people pleaser and if you do not please us then you will be punished. You do not fail. Under any circumstances, failure is not an option.
Examples: You may be the wife, but I am the boss. You have your duties even though your duties are not equal to mine. All household chores are yours because that’s the rule. You won’t ever live up to my mother in anything, but keep trying to please me. We will pretend that all is well even when you question it because that is the only way it will be. There will be no questioning me, but I can question you. I can make fun of you and laugh as you try to defend yourself, but it won’t change what I say or do. I know best. You do not. Criticism and put downs to make you a better wife, mother, whatever is my way of helping you to be better. Do not try to do it to me because I am perfect and my family will support me.
Etc., etc. etc. I’m sure you can add more to the lists above and please do if you want in the comments below.
So how do we fix a lifetime of this? I suggest a therapist or a trusted friend with the compassionate ability to love you as you process the emotions and circumstances and memories that come rushing forward. Secondly, a journal in which to write when there’s not a listener with a kind heart. Third, separation from those who trigger you when you can. Fourth, a self-hug and some mirror work from Louise Hay by repeating – I love and approve of myself – in a mirror while looking into your own eyes multiple times a day to begin the mindset change.
Deep breath. We can do this.