Another Untold Story of Isolation

True Story – I’m sitting here waiting for my elder son to come home this morning.  I am trying to stay in a place of peace, but underneath I’m buzzing with so many emotions.  Anger, resentment, fear, grief, and uncertainty lurk in the dark recesses of my thoughts.  I thought that perhaps I would write in order to clarify the situation to myself and if you find yourself inclined, please let me know how you would deal with this situation.  I will try to give the facts only, although I’m sure some of my feelings will be peppered in now and again.

We are in a quarantine and stay at home with the exception of essential workers.  Curfew from 8pm – 5am remains in effect as it has since March.  I have been uber careful to make sure that we are not bringing any of the germs from the outside in so that none of us get the virus.  Limited trips to the store has been my motto as well as wiping down everything.  The kids have been good about staying home even though we are all getting antsy here.  But the law states no gatherings, 6 feet social distancing and masks required. It’s probably the same where you live.

I take our health seriously since I have known more than 6 families who have lost loved ones to the virus.  The deceased were of all different ages, young and old, and most of them were in good health without any problems before they got it.  So, somehow they were exposed to it and passed away because of it.

My son’s girlfriend graduated recently from college and has been working as a nursing student on a Covid floor of the hospital.  While she hadn’t worked the last week of exams, and they hadn’t seen each other in about 1.5 months, they are in constant contact via FaceTime etc.  She has been crying because he hasn’t seen her and friends of theirs in the same position have been getting together anyway.  But because I wouldn’t allow them to get together because of her job, he’s been respectfully home.  And I appreciated it.

However, the girlfriend’s mom asked my son to go to her daughter’s graduation party at their home.  When my son asked me if he could go, I cited the law and gently explained that while I understood that they missed each other and I’m not so old as to have forgotten young love, the law is the law and when gatherings are allowed, then yes he could go, but not before.  But the mom of the daughter pressed him that her daughter was crying all the time and missed him.  He told me that he was on the fence about it until the girlfriend was crying so much and he missed her too, so he was going.

Obviously, I was against it.  I said my piece, hugged and kissed him goodbye and let him know that when he returned to our home, he would been quarantined as he would have been with her and her family.  As he was leaving, he casually told me that her mom had asked him to stay for dinner and he was going to do that too.  I asked him to not do that considering the party began at noon, but he told me that his girlfriend would be working full time in 2 weeks and then he wouldn’t be able to see her at all, so this was his only chance.  And my heart was sad for him so I nodded that I understood.

Fast forward to 8pm last night when I texted if he had forgotten we are under curfew.  He responded that the curfew had been lifted, but it hadn’t because I had researched and told him that.  Finally he called at 8:45pm telling me that her parents just told him that there’s a 9pm curfew and he’s suddenly concerned that he’ll get pulled over for being out and not being an essential worker.  In addition, he’s so tired that they’ve offered to let him sleep over in their guest room on a blow up mattress.

I’ve been played.  I knew it.  I told him that I wouldn’t approve it, nor tell him it was ok, but that there wasn’t anything I could do about it now.  I told him I loved him, but I didn’t like the position that he nor her family put us in.  He told me it wasn’t his fault.  I asked whose fault it was, but he had no response.  Because it was his.  But who wants to get into a huge argument with their kid and drive him away and into the arms of those people.  So I stayed quiet.  I bit my tongue, and got off the phone.

Here I sit waiting for him to return.  Have you had any similar experience?  Any sage advice to give?

 

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17 Responses to Another Untold Story of Isolation

  1. I am angry at all the the puppeteers in this scenario. The mother for manipulating your son, the daughter for manipulating your son, and your son for being deceptive to you. The mother knew the right thing, no matter your son’s age, to have checked it out with you FIRST, and respected your boundaries. But they all circumvented the truth. She works on a Covid floor??? How could any decent parent put a non-family member at such risk. If that were my son, I don’t even know what I’d do. My son’s the opposite, lol. I want to visit and he’s scared that it’s not safe yet, so did I ignore him and selfishly show up at the door? No, I am respecting him and waiting until there is proof it’s OK. You are doing a great job!

    Liked by 4 people

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you. I appreciate your input and I agree with you. I feel like one has to do what is right, what is correct, with integrity and they didn’t show that in their persuasion. Also, my kid chose what he chose and that’s on him. I get that he was put in the middle…and that he’s a kid. But then if you want to be treated like an adult, then act like a responsible one. Thanks for saying I’m doing a great job because I feel pretty lousy. I hope you get to see your son soon! Good for you for being respectful of his wishes…you’re a great mom!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. scr4pl80 says:

    I feel your frustration. I’d be angry at the parents of the girlfriend and might say something to them. Our son was resistant to the whole wearing masks thing and thinks that the “numbers are skewed” and asked us to “trust him to be safe” when he was outside (which in the beginning meant taking the train to his job). At least now he lets me drive him to work to limit that exposure and he does wear a mask while at work because that is their regulation. Thank goodness we do not know of any cases in our immediate circle of family and friends and our county has been one of the ones that took precautions early. Parenting is so hard, especially with older kids. The two we have at home are both adults so we have even less “control” over what happens with them but I always say, “this is my house and these are my rules.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      That’s my mantra too – this is my house and these are my rules. I agree. I’m glad your son is wearing the mask now. 🙂 It’s just tricky when they’re adults but not adults yet. Thanks for reaching out Janet. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. LA says:

    I wish I had something good to offer you. It’s been really hard on everyone, and honestly I’m more worried about mental health than anything else at this point. We don’t have a curfew, but it hasn’t really mattered as far as we’re concerned. I admit I’ve been going to the store, walking the dog, etc. until last weekend we’ve stayed reasonably within our neighborhood. Last weekend my husband and I took the bus to different areas because frankly we’re going crazy. My daughter took a socially distanced masked walk with her friends to get ice cream. While I wear a mask, wash my hands and am cautious I am ready to start the re entry process. I know a lot if people who have been seeing people that don’t reside in their households. It’s hard to tow the line when the edges of the line are really blurry.

    Liked by 3 people

    • janieleeds says:

      I know LA! That’s the problem. And people are ready to escape from their homes but they’re not doing it always in the best way. If you watch the news (which I usually don’t) you can catch how people aren’t social distancing once they’ve been set free. And while I don’t quite understand the herd immunity mentality, on one hand I get it, but on the other, I don’t. Why subject myself or my loved ones to something when I don’t have to…or when my kid didn’t have to…and I get the mental issues too. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. bone&silver says:

    Well I’d be livid, and underneath that would be deep fear that my son’s health was in danger. What a shitty experience, so sorry to hear this Janie. But yes, he’s kinda an adult, and so is she, & so are his parents, and you can’t control any of them, unfortunately. You stated your position, & yet still they all made their choices… it sucks. You are right to feel angry & betrayed. But now you also have to follow through on your boundary that he would have to be quarantined 😞
    Try to keep taking deep breaths, & let us know what happens xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks G. It is so frustrating and I am livid. But as we agree, he is an adult, but he does live in my home and I pay the bills so he has to abide by my rules. Which so far, he’s doing…for now….since he just got home a little while ago.
      xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. petespringerauthor says:

    I feel for you in this situation. Parenting of adult children gets sticky, especially when they have been out on their own. I had to move home after I moved out, and that was a hard time. Sometimes, as you already know, it’s also hard on the parent(s) as well. When my son used to come home from college and would be out late with his friends, it brought back those memories of waiting in bed, not fully falling asleep. It sounds like your son has followed the rules for the most part. It’s understandable why you feel the way you do. If I were in your shoes, I would discuss the whole situation with him. He needs to understand your point of view, too. Perhaps if he’s in a similar case somewhere down the road, he’ll think about your discussion.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      That’s just what we did yesterday afternoon Pete! I will write about it today. I also remember how hard it was to return home with the rules etc. after being on my own. And now I understand how my Mom couldn’t sleep until we were safely under her roof. LOL. Thanks for taking the time to write….

      Like

  6. Dwight Hyde says:

    Hey Janie. Please don’t take this offensively, but I’m not sure I’d take it so personally. I agree he went against your wishes. The buck stops with him and not his girlfriend or girlfriend’s mom. He’s a young man learning along the way and he has his own wishes and he needs to make his own choices. I fully understand where you’re coming from with rules at your home around health and safety, and by him making this choice he’ll now have to quarantine for a period. Oh how I remember many silly stupid choices in my younger years and did I ever regret them, but that’s how I learned. I obviously didn’t enjoy upsetting my parents along the way as I’m sure you son doesn’t.

    Sending peace,
    Dwight

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Dwight, thank you. I am not taking offense to what you’ve written and I appreciate the male point of view as well, because his dad (the ex) wouldn’t respond to my asking for his input. But that’s a story for another day…

      I did try to see it from his point of view and I do remember being young and foolish myself. And I do realize that the buck stops with him and not the gf nor her family. For it was his choice only to go or not to go. Thank you for reminding me. I needed it. 🙂

      Like

  7. TJ Fox says:

    Oh, Janie! I would have been absolutely livid! I honestly think I would have been tempted in these circumstances to tell him to pack a bag to take with him if he opted to go because he’d be staying until it was safe for him to come home. I say tempted, but I honestly don’t know that I would have been able to go through with it. What a horrible position he put you in!

    There is so much wrong in this situation. How can someone that has seen this first hand, working on a covid19 floor, manipulate someone they supposedly care about into breaking the very rules that are supposed to help them and their patients and putting that person in danger in the process? How can the family of that person do the same? There are so many ways to honor and celebrate those that have milestones happening right now, doing so in person is NOT something that must happen. Of all the people that should understand and appreciate that, you would think this young woman and her family would be the first on that list. It infuriates me to see things like this when so many people are giving up so much more than a party right now.

    Just for a little perspective (even thought it is NOT the same situation at all), my son is graduating from high school. He met his GF online nearly 4 years ago and they have maintained a virtual relationship that entire time. They have not met in person because she lives about 8 hours away. Back in the fall, he asked if he could take her to her prom. After some discussions and talks with her mom (he wanted to surprise her), we made arrangements and plans to get him there. He spent days working on plans and his surprise to ask her (something that unfolded over months), working with her mom without his girl knowing a thing. It was a HUGE thing for both of them. Then the virus hit and things got crazy. His girl’s sister has major health issues making her high risk. The timing was still iffy on us even being able to go (this was early in the spread, right as shut downs were just beginning to happen). Between talks with her mom and my son, we made the decision not to go and put her sister at risk even though the risk was incredibly low at that point, a decision that was made before it no longer was even an option. He and his girl were hugely disappointed, but it was more important to keep the sister safe than to have this moment for themselves. We have said that we will do everything we can to give them their time and make it something special when it is safe to do so. It is hard, but they both understand and were willing to take the safe path.

    Unfortunately this whole thing is about choices and what you are willing to give up for the health and safety of, not only your loved ones, but strangers as well. Not everyone feels like they should have to give up much, if anything. I feel for you and what you are going through. There is a certain level of basic respect our kids should have for us and our entirely reasonable requests when they still live under our roof. I would have a very hard time with the choices your son has made. *Hugs* to you my friend! (Very virtual and safe hugs)

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you TJ for sharing and for understanding the mom dilemna. I hope that someday your son will finally meet his gf under much safer circumstances. How difficult that decision must have been for all of you after 4 years of having a relationship and for all the work he put into surprising her. I love that as 2 families you worked together and that you had the respect to keep the sister safe under these trying circumstances. I applaud you and your son!

      I felt very disrespected by my kid’s choices and I felt like I was thrown under the bus by the gf’s family to invite him, let alone to potentially have us exposed to the virus via him being with her. It has been a learning experience for me and for him.

      Thanks for the virtual and safe hug. I needed one and I appreciate you very much. Just let’s hope that he hasn’t brought anything into our home. xo

      Liked by 1 person

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