My kids heard from their dad and grandparents yesterday. I wasn’t aware that they were talking to them until I overheard their voices. And while I’m not usually an angry person, it triggered something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. In fact, I’d thought I’d healed from it, but obviously not.
Because just hearing their voices made me mad and I’m not a normally angry person. I’m pretty laid back and peaceful. It’s how I want to live my life. But I know I’ve got some healing still to do and some processing of how I feel about them.
It would be much easier if I didn’t know about the lies told about me. It would be easier if the ex would pay what he’s supposed to on time without me having to constantly take him back to court. My resentment of unjust behavior and his getting away with what he does makes me crazy. And maybe there’s still grief to process because even though I don’t want to be with any of them, being left out hurt me deeply. Being made out to be the bad guy when it wasn’t me, stirs that good girl in me into a frantic mode. I want to tell my side. But then, I remember they are narcissists so it wouldn’t matter anyway. They believe their justification even though it’s based on lies (because I have the facts, the truth) and I’d just continue to beat my head against the cement because no matter what, the cloak of lies continues.
I told a friend today that I am grateful I took the high road, but these days, I have that itch to tell it all. To blast the truth with a megaphone. And maybe that’s what’s happening in our world now as it crumbles around us. People just want to be heard. Lies put to rest and truth reign. Because I feel like there’s a shell game going on around us and we don’t know who or what to believe anymore as truth. So many half truths and misinformation is swirling the chaos. Isn’t it exhausting?
Are you feeling triggered too?