Triggered

My kids heard from their dad and grandparents yesterday.  I wasn’t aware that they were talking to them until I overheard their voices.  And while I’m not usually an angry person, it triggered something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  In fact, I’d thought I’d healed from it, but obviously not.

Because just hearing their voices made me mad and I’m not a normally angry person.  I’m pretty laid back and peaceful.  It’s how I want to live my life.  But I know I’ve got some healing still to do and some processing of how I feel about them.

It would be much easier if I didn’t know about the lies told about me.  It would be easier if the ex would pay what he’s supposed to on time without me having to constantly take him back to court.  My resentment of unjust behavior and his getting away with what he does makes me crazy.  And maybe there’s still grief to process because even though I don’t want to be with any of them, being left out hurt me deeply.  Being made out to be the bad guy when it wasn’t me, stirs that good girl in me into a frantic mode.  I want to tell my side.  But then, I remember they are narcissists so it wouldn’t matter anyway.  They believe their justification even though it’s based on lies (because I have the facts, the truth) and I’d just continue to beat my head against the cement because no matter what, the cloak of lies continues.

I told a friend today that I am grateful I took the high road, but these days, I have that itch to tell it all.  To blast the truth with a megaphone.  And maybe that’s what’s happening in our world now as it crumbles around us.  People just want to be heard.  Lies put to rest and truth reign.  Because I feel like there’s a shell game going on around us and we don’t know who or what to believe anymore as truth.  So many half truths and misinformation is swirling the chaos.  Isn’t it exhausting?

Are you feeling triggered too?

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10 Responses to Triggered

  1. TJ Fox says:

    It is incredibly hard to be the one at least trying to do the right thing, to follow the rules and yet also be forced to just sit back and take it while another gets away completely with doing and saying whatever they want. I cannot tell you the number of times I had to do just that with the ex. I wasn’t even allowed to move in with my current Hubby right before we got married (according to the lawyers), but the ex could move whenever he wanted or with whomever he wanted and never even got a slap on the wrist, even though it was clearly stated in the divorce papers that any move required a specific time frame of notification for the move. It is a horrible situation to be in sometimes, being the better person.

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    • janieleeds says:

      TJ, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that situation! I feel for you. The ex has moved several times and not kept to that part either which is frustrating as well. I am just happy that you found your present hubby and that all is well with you so that the ex can be a distant memory…at least that’s what I’m hoping for you. It gives me hope that someday I will find peace. I try to stay in peace for the most part these days with an occasional frustrating post because I think sometimes we all go through similar situations and it helps when someone is supportive (like you) and also shares a bit so we don’t feel so alone. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        It definitely does. Especially if you are getting push back from family, friends or loved ones that somehow you are in the wrong. I’m lucky (in some weird, painful ways) that my ex is completely out of my life and I most likely won’t ever have to deal with him again. Sadly, that comes, in part, because my oldest is just like him in so many of the negative ways and has chosen to not be a part of our lives anymore.

        It is my deepest wish for you that your kids didn’t inherit that aspect of your ex, because it magnifies all of those problems exponentially when you have to deal with them in your own children as well. It is a horrible thing to realize that just because you divorced someone so toxic, doesn’t mean that you’ve gotten that toxicity out of your life and can’t because it is your child.

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      • janieleeds says:

        I feel for you especially with your child. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult that is! So far, they have traces of their dad in them, but living with me has helped to keep the worst away for now. I think because their dad doesn’t really communicate with them and I’m here 24/7, they know who they can rely on and who they can’t which makes it easier on me in a weird way. Thanks for sharing….

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The V Pub says:

    It’s very exhausting because who knows what the real truth is nowadays.

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  3. Rainey says:

    I don’t think I feel triggered but I definitely understand what it’s like trying to take the high road. My ex has told her family and friends the most unbelievable things about a man that you can imagine, apparently it’s a symptom of some of the issues she’s dealing with. There was a time when I thought she had ruined my life, but now I realize what was destroyed was life as I know it, but I could still have at least some kind of control over how it affected me. By the way one of my favorite things to do is to tell my son something good about his mom and watch his eyes light up. It’s not his fault what she does to me. Good post!

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Rainey. I’m sorry this happened to you, but unfortunately, I’ve found it’s common with exes. I also tell my kids the good things sometimes and I keep the bad out of the conversations. Because they do figure it out on their own and it’s better that they themselves realize that things don’t add up instead of me telling them. Telling them makes it like I’m bashing their dad and I prefer the high road like you!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. scr4pl80 says:

    I get triggered too, by my sister and the way she’s treating my 96 year old mom who is living with her. So frustrating.

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