Recently I’ve been talking with a few divorced girlfriends who are having a hard time. A hard time meaning that they’re being triggered by memories of their relationships with their exes, when it was good and when it was bad. Additionally, they’re dealing with the present exes who for the most part feel like strangers, like aliens invaded the bodies of the men they once loved. And they’re confused. When before now, they had accepted the divorces, moved on and were fine for the most part.
What is happening? Why is it happening???
While each woman’s story is a bit different, what is similar is what I was writing about yesterday – feeling triggered – when I thought I was healed from all the hurts. But no, not healed completely yet, apparently. We are digging out the remnants of the supposedly healed wounds and the large quantities of feelings associated with the relationship that broke up. And honestly, it ain’t pretty. And none of us want to go through it again because it was hard enough the first time.
But, as the saying goes, What You Resist Persists…and so I’m feeling the feelings again and trying to process out of this mess once and for all. Because I dislike dealing with all that I thought was behind me. I want it laid to rest. Unfortunately for me though, there’s a financial tie (and he’s behind in payments which causes me to have to be on top of the financial piece) so I’m not sure it will ever been fully done unless he miraculously pays what he owes for the kids. And while I believe in miracles, my faith (trust) in him (the ex) to do the right thing doesn’t exist.
Have you been waking up or dreaming of a relationship that’s ended?
A common theme with all of these women is waking up to thoughts about the ex. It varies, whether it’s a traumatic event or one that made them smile. But when they wake up, he’s the thing they’re thinking about – unbidden because for the most part, they were all over the divorce and moving ahead without wanting the exes back. So this was an odd commonality in all of our lives.
Do you want your ex back?
Another seems to be longing for a partner during the quarantine. They’re feeling alone, so it’s understandable to look back at the companionship of marriage when it was good and think about that partnership again. Because even those who were hurt most, wondered if they reunited, could make it work again with the ex?
However, we divide the camps here. Some were daydreaming about how a miraculous reunion with the ex would be and others were blatantly never going to reunite with him and instead were daydreaming about a knight in shining armor arriving on their front doorstep. Neither option felt good to me. Maybe I’m the oddball. I’m ok right now. And I don’t want the ex back. Someday, yes, I’d like to meet a nice man. But, in the meantime, I’m good on my own. I don’t need a man to save me. I have saved myself.
And that’s not a dig on my divorced girlfriends either. For the most part, they’re not needing saving either. They’re just lonely and I get it. I’m lonely too, but I’m not ready yet for a serious companion of the male persuasion, except maybe for friendship and then we’ll let it unfold…
I think that because so many of us are experiencing this at the same time, there’s a theme here. Maybe it’s some spiritual planetary intense time here to help us clear it all out. And while I don’t enjoy going through the emotions again, if this is the last time, then bring it on and let’s clear it the hell out of my system. I surrender. I cut the cords that bound me. I forgive. I forget.
I want to be ME – Authentically Janie – freed at last to embrace the next chapter!