Friends of mine just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. Splashed across social media were the photos of their wedding day which I attended and remember well. It was a wonderful day and I am truly happy for them.
It’s funny how a sudden memory of happier times can pinch you. It occurred to me that I probably won’t ever celebrate a 30th wedding anniversary unless I marry quickly and live many more decades which doesn’t seem likely.
Am I jealous? No. Am I happy for them? Extremely. Do I feel a little melancholy that my marriage didn’t last? Yes. But am I grateful for where I am now? Yes, indeed. When I look at the options, I would always choose to not lament over someone who left me. But is there a twinge when I remember better times in the marriage? Yes.
What saves me from spending more than a few moments waxing nostalgia and wishing or hoping is that the ex’s personality has changed so dramatically. I really don’t even recognize him – neither physically nor personality-wise. I’ve realized that this is a good thing because he feels like a complete stranger. But it took a long time for reality to kick into my psyche to see what was really there with him and not have it rose-colored with memories. And learning to embrace the freedom to be Authentically Janie has been a huge plus – might I even declare it a blessing – to re-find myself as me. To have a second chapter in my life.
It’s been a learning curve. Being a mom on my own with no help was hard at first because I was completely in charge 24/7 of everything. And not like it really wasn’t that way when I was married because he’d drifted from the family for longer than I’d realized. But when there’s zero parental backup, it’s a transition – for the kids and for me. Luckily, it’s been pretty smooth and the kids and I are in a good relationship place.
Would I change my life for my friends’ life/anniversary? I spent some time thinking about that, but I have to say that my answer is no. I like my life. I am grateful that I’ve strengthened myself through the hard times. While I would like to find someone special someday, it’s not a huge priority right now. I figure that when the time is right, we’ll connect somehow. Until then, I will just enjoy being me.
Have you ever felt this way? Has that little tug of nostalgia ever pinched you unexpectedly? Don’t worry. The feeling passes. Allow the feelings and then find the gratitude in your present situation. It’s a strange time I think with the quarantine, the planetary influences and all that stuff. I feel like it’s bringing up stuff to clear for me. Are you getting that too?