Being honest here, I’ve told myself many lies over the years. I tried, with my rose-colored glasses firmly planted on my eyes, to make excuses for bad behavior from the people around me. I was co-dependent, having been trained from a young age that I was responsible for everyone and everything and that my happiness was determined by everyone else’s happiness. Worst lie I told myself? That this method of thinking was true.
I am a people-pleaser. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have zero poker face. I can’t lie since everything shows on my face. The ex used to tell me he could read me like a book. I always took that to mean that he knew me well, but now I understand. It used to bother me that I couldn’t read him, but that’s because he wore a mask that only slipped occasionally.
I still like to believe in the best parts of people, but I have learned to be more cautious. I am sensitive to mood changes in others and would try to bolster their moods when I felt the downward swing in emotion. It has been a slow climb out of this belief system, but being divorced has helped me tremendously to learn how to be on my own and to be Authentically Janie without the added burden of the narcissist ex and his family.
Innately, I know I can be stubborn. It’s how I’ve survived the myriad of experiences in my lifetime. I can be a beacon of hope and positivity which is where I am most comfortable. Give me someone who needs a friend and I’m there. I’ve always relied on the inner strength and my caring friends to get me through the difficult times and I’m truly grateful for them.
I have had dark moments of time when I wanted to give up, to give in and to stop trying. But a new day would dawn and I would feel the reset button and try again to make it through another day. Luckily, those days didn’t last and I had many caring friends who held me up when I couldn’t get the broken story of my life out of my head and heart. Cutting the ties to the past has helped immensely although the past does come back to haunt me now and again, but now it’s easier to put it back into its place where it belongs. I know view the past as a thought of an experiences that I survived that made me stronger and deeply reminds me of who I innately am.