Door Nailed Shut

I only ever wanted to have closure. I had hoped that when we divorced, we could stay kind, but that was not meant to be. We couldn’t even co-parent. Not to mention, the ex’s narcissistic mother was inserting herself into the divorce at every turn. Inciting her son to be empowered and angry when his anger was a result of his shame. But that’s a story for another day. She doesn’t know why we divorced. She only knows he said, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” But the back story remains a mystery to all. So of course, in her mind, it has to have been my fault. Narcissists can’t have it be their fault ever. So it’s mine.

She’s kept it up for over 6 years now. The ex-MIL (mother-in-law) with whom I was close when we were married is now a gnarled, angry creature. Not just inside, but now it’s showing. The mask is slipping and she’s having a hard time as she’s losing her mind. Like really losing her mind. The stories I’m hearing (and have been hearing for awhile) are pointing to dementia. I’m not surprised honestly. It’s been coming.

I can see where the ex is probably just tired of the whole divorce thing as am I. We have not been in contact in almost a year. He owes me money and refuses to pay. I want to be set free. Not because I have money, but because I can’t take it anymore. My life and peace are too precious to have this taking up space in my head. So I’m working diligently to figure it out. Staying centered. Earning money and scrimping and saving what I can.

Meanwhile, he lets his mother do his dirty work by saying ugly things about me to our kids. Lies and tall tales abound, but this is not something new. This has just ramped up over time. Probably the dementia kicking in.

Because his family has money, he stands to inherit a lot when his parents die so he won’t ever rock the boat. And that’s his choice. As this is mine – to nail the door shut.

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17 Responses to Door Nailed Shut

  1. Sometimes we have to nail the door shut on the few souls who are impossible. Your energy and balance are at stake if you don’t. Never an easy decision, but then the balance of personal responsibility was out of whack to start with. ❤ Janie ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Paula Light says:

    I never speak to my ex and he has no relationship with our children (adults now, plus a couple grands). His choice. But it’s in character for him to discard things he can’t control. I wish it could have been different, and he didn’t have to be so cruel, but then maybe we wouldn’t have split!

    Liked by 2 people

    • janieleeds says:

      I like that you found the LIGHT Paula Light in the situation…that glimmer of understanding that it’s in his character. I am glad you have a good relationship with your kids/grands.
      I think it’s sad when they walk away from the kids as well. Walk away from me, fine. Don’t walk away from our kids.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. petespringerauthor says:

    Not a healthy situation, even if the kids are adults. I flashed back to having parent-teacher conferences with divorced couples. They were always so much more productive when the parents placed their kids’ needs first. When the parents couldn’t stand each other, I held separate conferences. It was frustrating for me as a teacher because all that some wanted to delve into was how bad a parent the other one was. I had to remind them we were there to discuss their child and how best to help. I wanted to say, “The first thing you can do is to quit bashing your former spouse in front of your children.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ainsobriety says:

      I’m sorry this has dragged on for you.
      Everyone in my life knows the full story, that Craig had an affair and was caught by our then 13 year old.
      His admitting of his bad behaviour played a huge roll in resolving things. He didn’t fight for anything and he pays his child support on time.

      I keep in contact with my ex mil and sil. They are both grateful and kind.

      Because my ex moved away, he is never at pt interviews. The first year I probably did bad mouth him to teachers, because Cleo was traumatized and I wanted them to understand why. I am not embarrassed. I wasn’t the cheater, and none of us deserved to be cheated on. People do stupid and selfish things. They have unexpected, although not unusual, consequences. I do occasionally feel like I am telling my story to protect myself, or put myself in a better light…but I try to only tell the truth.

      After 25 years my ex cheated. He got caught. He gave me everything and ran away. The kids are mostly no contact with him. He has a new gf and a baby. He leaves me to raise the kids myself. Which is both an acknowledgement that I am capable, and a huge cop out.

      Divorce is so hard.

      Hugs to you. You are a rockstar.

      Anne

      Liked by 1 person

      • janieleeds says:

        Anne, YOU are the ROCKSTAR! So proud of you! And yes, you are so more than capable and the kids will remember who was/is their ROCKSTAR because it’s YOU!
        I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry on so many levels and it makes me sad. But I try to look at the goodness that has emerged afterwards and I know you do too.
        It’s never easy for any of us. Here’s a huge hug from me…💗

        Liked by 1 person

    • Ainsobriety says:

      Sorry – I replied under your comment somehow!

      Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      I agree…it is hard for a teacher. And it’s hard for the parents. The kids are the collateral damage to parents who can’t get along even when separated or divorced. It’s the kids that count first and foremost.

      Like

  4. TJ Fox says:

    It is so much harder when you have kids involved. Because there will forever be a permanent tie to that other person or family through the kids, it is almost impossible to create the necessary barriers you need. I hope you can find a resolution.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. bone&silver says:

    He sucks. His loss. Your poor kids. The MIL sounds like a nightmare: try not to react. You don’t deserve any of this shit ❤️

    Like

  6. I am a child of divorce and my parents were not kind to one another. My mom was hurt for 35 years. My dad moved on with a new wife, new life, made all of his millions in the second marriage.. My brother and sister grew up wealthy. I grew up poor. We are from two different worlds now. My younger siblings adore me. They see that I’ve pulled away to live my own life, away from my dad’s narcissist behavior towards me. Problem is, he’s only a narcissist towards me. They got a “normal, caring” dad throughout their childhood. When I divorced in 2012 I did the opposite. I made my ex promise he’d continue being my friend so we could raise these kids together, including his son from his first marriage. Even though he moved on first, with our neighbor, I might add. But I’ve even formed a village with her and am so grateful my daughters have her in their life.

    I have yet to see another divorce end as well as mine has. I can’t imagine what you go through. I watch my cousins fall out of their own marriages and try to remain friends with their exes, but not everyone gives it their all. My heart hurts for you and your children. Parents should never be bad mouthed in front of the children. I was a product of that and it warped me. I can’t imagine my daughters having to defend one of us to the other. It would break their hearts and make them angry. I will say this – I remember as clear as day, as a child, who talked the most smack about the other. Even though my dad was a narcissist, my mom told me way too much. For so many years I was fighting HER fight with my dad. And that should not have been put on my shoulders. My dad never spoke ill of my mom. When he finally did however, I actually needed to hear what he had to say. He told me that my maternal grandfather had every reason to hate him because “he was not a good man to his daughter”. First time I had heard that admission. Now our issues are in fact “our” issues. We still don’t communicate. Mom passed away in 2009. At 51 I still hurt from my dad’s narcissist ways. You children are so lucky to have YOU. The voice of reason while they navigate all of these slanderous remarks they hear. Take it from a 51 year old child still trying to heal from it, your words and your love is everything. Best to you.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you for sharing your story with me (us). I am teary reading it as you have so much wisdom from such a difficult situation and experience.
      I am inspired by you and I admire you that you didn’t repeat the scenario when the divorce happened to you and to your children. That is so important necessary and I believe more people need to hear this message. Thank you for being you!
      What you’ve done as the head of the village to heal and to not traumatize your own children is a testament to your own healing and inner strength. Your authentic understanding as a child and as an adult rings so true. Thank you for sharing…
      Your children are lucky to have YOU as well! And I’ll count myself lucky that you took the time to write and share here to help me too.
      All the best to you…and thank you again 💗

      Like

  7. hbsuefred says:

    Learned a lot from all the comments made here. (Paula was a friend of mine when our kids were little so I already learned a few things from her at the beginning of my divorce.) Everyone’s experience is a little different, but I think all of us struggle with the same emotions and issues, especially when there are children involved even if they are already adults by the time the fit hits the shan for the final time.
    My possob of an almost ex seems to have finally thrown in the towel re the financial issues so hopefully we will finally be able to put the final nail in splitting of the community property and assets part of the divorce. Interestingly, I’m sure if you asked him he would point a finger for at least part of the blame at my mother, who my sister has diagnosed as a narcissist. At least I’ve been able to cut her out of most of the communications amongst the immediate family, and again interestingly it’s been easier since I now live with her in her Alzheimer’s demented state.
    Finally, somewhere down the road but at least a year or two away, we will probably have to cross path around the shared kids, either at the birth of our first grandchild to the eldest who has sort of found herself in the middle between the two of us for no fault of her own except that she’s just (too much) sweetness and light to everyone or at the med school graduation of our youngest who has hated him for a long time and by the way he acted towards her as she achieved her goals while at the same time ruining her sister’s wedding were what drove me to declare that I just didn’t think I could do it any more.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I wish you peace and healing. I always find it fascinating how life and relationships throw us curveballs that we probably didn’t see coming (or didn’t want to see).
      It sounds like there’s a lot going on for you and I’m sorry that it’s stressful, but who knows what can happen in a few years. And if/when you see him at a family event, perhaps you’ll feel peaceful?
      Getting to the point of not being able to do it anymore is where the healing begins. 💕

      Like

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