Praying For Peace

The ex (my kids’ dad) is coming in this weekend to visit with them. He does this very occasionally so it’s a big deal when he blows into town. He told them to clear their schedules because he’s going to be here, but unfortunately the kids are each working one night of the weekend which now means that each has to visit with dad alone. And the kids do NOT like that at all.

Hence my praying for peace because in the past when they’ve had to deal with their dad, they’re not always happy. How I wish they’d return more often from a dad visit without angry venting because it makes it hard on me. On one hand, I absolutely understand how they feel when they’re complaining about him. On the other, I can sometimes see the ex’s point of view. But the hard part is navigating my own point of view and experiences with the ex and not having them cloud the situation (venting) at hand.

That’s where I pray for peace this weekend since it could be just fine or it could go off the rails and be disastrous. Because the kids don’t talk with their dad about how they feel about things. In the past they’ve tried, but he wouldn’t listen. One time one of the kids poured his heart out to his dad hoping that it would bridge the gap between them. Instead, the ex tattled to his narcissist mommy and she got in the middle of it (where she didn’t belong) and harped on my kid claiming that my kid (her grandson, the child of her son) was being mean to her baby (meaning the ex, the kid’s dad and her son)! And that stopped my kid from ever trusting his dad again. Because what healthy grown man sics his mommy on his own child?

So you can imagine how the kids don’t like to be left alone with their dad without their sibling. Because there’s strength in numbers. I’ve always taught my kids that they are to stay united and always have each other’s backs as they go through this because it is often the case that the ex-MIL plays favorites like their dad does and so it’s a minefield when they have to visit them. Because the favorites change depending on who’s more controllable at the time.

I have made sure I have a nice bottle of wine for myself this weekend in case it’s needed. LOL. In the meantime, I’m just sending out peace in hopes that all goes well. I guess I’ll let you know how it goes.

Do you have these troubles too?

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12 Responses to Praying For Peace

  1. TJ Fox says:

    Have your kids considered telling him no, they don’t want to see him? Believe me, I get it. I’ve lived with toxic family members and making that decision is never an easy one, but sometimes it is the only healthy one. Even if it is a “just this time” thing, sometimes just being able to say no is enough to help settle things in their minds enough that the next visit isn’t as bad because they know on a fundamental level that they CAN say no.

    If your kids are at a point where spending time with their dad is such an emotional chore that they are dreading it, why do that to themselves? Sometimes the only way to achieve peace is to just not engage in the first place.

    My perspective is from a different angle than yours as mine is from the kids’ position in this situation and I know I’m biased in that because of the damage done by my own toxic parents. I did choose to say “no more” and walked away because there was nothing even remotely healthy in my situation. Your kids may still have a somewhat healthy relationship with their father, but just don’t like parts of it. That is completely understandable.

    At the same time, they are both well on their way to being their own adult selves and they need to understand that you shouldn’t have to shoulder the burden of their continued issues with their dad for them or even with them. Especially if it is the same old, same old that they always deal with with him. If they make the choice to keep saying “yes” to interactions with him that make them unhappy, it is their fallout to deal with, not yours.

    I know that seems a little harsh, but your mental health and well being is just as important as theirs is and you still have healing that needs to be done with regards to your ex. As long as your kids keep picking at your wounds with their negative interactions with their dad, you can’t ever fully heal. Yes, as their mother you want and need to be there for them when they are struggling and hurting. But there does come a point when their hurting becomes self inflicted. Are you helping them continue that self inflicted hurting by allowing them to drop their burdens on you instead of having them carry them all on their own? That one is one of the hardest parts about being a parent is knowing where that line is and how to respond when your kids are on it or have crossed over it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      TJ, thank you. Your words hit home as they were spoken with kindness, wisdom from experience and friendship. I actually read your comment three times and let it all sink in and then took a deep breath to let it settle in my bones.
      The line is for me to draw and allow myself to heal completely without those little picks at my wounds. I don’t think you were harsh at all. In fact, it made complete sense to me and I’m grateful for you. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you how it is and it changes your thinking. You’ve done that for me.
      Thank you xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        I’m glad you took it the way I intended. It is really hard to be in the position you are in. I had to draw some lines with my oldest that were excruciating to have to do, but I had to do it not just for my own well being, but for my other kids as well. That was almost 5 years ago and it still hurts (and probably always will) to know I had to draw those lines and the fallout from that, but we are all in a healthier place for it.

        Like

      • janieleeds says:

        This being a Mom is never easy and there’s no concrete way that works for everyone in every situation. There are always factors that are different but the intention of a Mom is do what’s best and to help. So when you wrote what you did, I knew it came from the heart with kind intention (and wisdom). I am sorry you had to draw lines with your oldest and how it continues to hurt. Sending you big hugs because I appreciate you and what you’ve learned through those experiences. The fact that you reach out to help others, to use your wisdom, is very much appreciated!

        Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        I’m glad to help. Knowing that you aren’t alone in the chaos, even if your chaos looks a little different, helps so much.

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      • janieleeds says:

        It absolutely does – you absolutely did help! Thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Dwight Hyde says:

    Sending peace to you all, Janie. I’m pretty fortunate in that I have a decent relationship with the ex and in no way is there any “nonsense” with our time/relationship with our kids. I’m sorry you have to deal with this SCHMUCK and the bullshit that swirls around him☹️

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Dwight. I am so happy to hear about your relationship as that makes such a difference in everyone’s lives. Good for both of you (and the kids)! I wish more people were like you.

      Like

  3. scr4pl80 says:

    Crossing fingers for you this weekend.

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  4. I understand all the dynamics about why it is that children can’t always tell their narc parent they don’t want to see them anymore, but my personal experience is that my now grown son gave him 2 chances to make amends and then he cut him off entirely, which was his 100% decision. I told son I’d support him either way, but he was firm. And there’s no money strings here which honestly prob made it a bit easier for him. It still hurts tho, I know it does because narc will NEVER EVER be allowed to see the grandchildren. What he did to break up our family was a dealbreaker for my son. It’s beyond sad but this is the life path xnarc chose, right? He didn’t just betray ME, he betrayed us all. Good luck this weekend. Sending love and peace.

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