What better way to start the week on a Monday with a post on empowerment! LOL. I reread an old post about narcissism and then was looking back at how much I was writing back in 2018 about that very subject. Interestingly enough, I was heavy into healing from the experience with the ex’s NPD and hoping to help other women/men who were in similar situations.
Fast forward now a few years and I don’t write about it much anymore. Probably because the ex and I don’t speak. We don’t communicate which is fine with me. As much as it feels sad to me to not communicate with my kids’ dad, because I had always thought we could co-parent, I’m fine with it now. It’s better for me in so many ways.
I probably sound like I waffle between loving him, getting angry with him and wanting nothing to do with him because I do. I married a man with whom I felt comfortable because I had grown up in a family that was similar to how he was. I was familiar with that type of person and there was a comfort there. He was a take charge kind of guy, but had a soft side that while was rarely seen, I always felt empowered that I could bring it out in him. While I walked on eggshells often and suffered the silent treatment which I abhorred, I blinded myself into thinking that he loved me and that we would make it through anything because I would make it work. The impetus being on “I would make it work” because I loved him so much.
What I lacked back then was clarity and empowerment. I thought this was the way a marriage was because my parents had a similar situation (as did his). Perhaps it was the generation above us who modeled it. Who knows? But I can clearly see the ex’s mom and my dad’s NPD now that I’ve learned about narcissism. And I can see my part in the relationships as well.
I would have never left the ex, but I am grateful that I have learned so much about our relationship. I am happy that he left, even though I once felt that I wasted time mourning his departure. Now I see, through healing and time, that I have grown tremendously and have found my own empowerment by the experience with him.
While I would have preferred less hurt in my life, the experience brought me clarity about myself, my family and people in general. Additionally I wouldn’t have had my kids and they are of the utmost importance to me so I wouldn’t change a thing if it meant I didn’t have them.
Empowerment in seeing myself (and others) for who they are without the translucent veil that accompanied how I wanted to see them (ie. always see the good in others) and not taking off the rose-colored glasses.
Empowerment in working on myself and strengthening my weaknesses all the while celebrating that I am strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable.
Empowerment in sharing my experiences and the wisdom which has unfolded through the help of all those kind souls of whom I meet – blogging friends included.
Empowerment in helping others to unravel the disconnect between the mind’s process and the actual situation.
Empowerment in feeling centered with who I am at this present moment, knowing that I can choose to be me.
Empowerment is such an amazing feeling, isn’t it?