My Block

Being blocked in life, as in being stuck in a certain situation or mindset is hard. We can swirl in that stagnation for days, months or years. It’s not where we want to be for sure, but we don’t know how to be released.

First is to recognize that you’re stagnating. I spent years being stuck after the ex left me. I felt worthless because he left and was barely making it through the days because I was so distraught. Being a Mom, I did the best I could to make things ok for my kids, but it wasn’t easy. The kids and I were all mindlessly distracted and sad.

Because we didn’t want to feel those sad feelings all the time, we never processed them. We covered them up by trying to stay busy and doing things that felt like they were normal, all while we were hurting. And you know what? It kept us in that same place and we weren’t able to move forward because we couldn’t handle the pain. We were afraid of going there – there where the pain was.

Have you ever been there? Do you know what I mean?

So I began writing. I recently found the many, many notebooks that I wrote in during that time. I wrote poetry. I wrote letters to my then husband, his family, my kids, myself. I made a playlist and listened to sad songs and ones that were about women who became strong enough to go on. I sat outside on my patio in the sun and in the sprinkles of rain just to be in nature because it felt healing to me.

I remember speaking to my therapist at the time and she suggested I allow myself to cry. Now I would cry occasionally, but I tried very hard not to do it in front of the kids. And I specifically remember telling her that if I did allow myself to cry like I wanted to cry – you know, the heaving sobs, runny nose, puffy tear-streaked face that you can’t control – that I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop.

Her answer, “Eventually you’ll stop crying,” in a calm, deadpan voice which stunned me. I literally remember looking at her and trying to process what she’d just said. It was like a lightbulb went on inside of me. Because I was so blocked I couldn’t even imagine how if I let myself go, I’d be able to stop heaving and sobbing.

I didn’t cry that day when I got home, but I felt like I wanted to cry like that. I wanted to beat pillows with my fists. I wanted alone time so that I could rage and cry and get it out. But there was never time that worked for me to have enough time to do it. So I waited. And those feelings festered. And I covered them up trying to make everything right for the kids.

Until one day it all fell apart. Splat. And the tsunami of emotions that I had been trying to keep hidden came out into full view and I was lost in the storm.

Now it’s your turn. Tell me a bit of your story.

This entry was posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to My Block

  1. bone&silver says:

    I love crying. Always have. And mainly because I know how peaceful I will feel afterwards 🙏🏼
    I am also quick to laugh- it’s all on the same spectrum of emotional expression…

    I’m glad you released your block ❤️

    Like

  2. LA says:

    Still trying to get over my upbringing….

    Like

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