“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”Coco Chanel
It took me a long time to get to this point with the ex. If you’ve been with me for awhile, my blog posts had a lot to do with him as I was trying to unravel what the heck happened and make sense of the whole “I don’t want to do this anymore” statement of his that took me by complete surprise and upended the kids’ and my worlds. And I wrote post after post trying to process the whole thing, but luckily for me, there were amazing blogging friends I met who helped me, supported me and cheered me on as I moved through the many phases in the process of healing.
And it’s funny because I saw this quote by Coco and laughed because it’s how I feel about him now for the most part. Occasionally he’ll do something (like the Deadbeat Dad post) and I’ll be enraged and thinking about him, but otherwise, he’s not freely renting any space in my head anymore.
Read that again: He doesn’t hold space in my head anymore.
If you had told me years ago that I would be able to say that phrase truthfully, I am not sure I would have believed you because if I wasn’t thinking about the situation, those involved, the divorce, how it changed my kids’ and my life or even why he had changed, I wasn’t conscious and therefore was sleeping and dreaming about goodness knows what (probably the same that I was thinking all day long). Ha!
But now, there’s just nothing and I never thought I could be this way. He’s nothing. He’s not in my life and I’m more than ok with it. I’m happy that he left. I’m grateful that he’s gone. I LOVE my life now and I wouldn’t have found this when I was married. And except when it comes to him being a Deadbeat Dad, I wish him well and don’t care what he’s doing, nor who he’s doing it with at all. It’s all come down to simply pay on time what is owed and all is well.
And while I cared greatly what he and his narcissistic mother and family were saying about me (specifically the MIL), I don’t anymore. Say what you will, it doesn’t bother me. I know who I am. My kids know who I am and the lies don’t matter anymore. Make no mistake that I’ve come a long way baby because they did for a long time. It hurt me when she lied about me. It made me want to scream about how unfair it was and how it was untrue. I felt like I had to defend my honor because she was trying to pit everyone against me (even the kids). But the blessing was that the kids came home and told me what the MIL was saying and most of the time, I calmly told them she was lying. Thank God they were able to see through to the truth. And on the rare occasion I lost my mind when I heard them recount what she’d said, they could see the hurt on my face and realize that I was telling the truth.
I guess that’s a gift and curse to be so readable. Everything shows on my face. I have no poker face and can’t lie.
Anyway, the reason I wrote this post is because if you’re in a similar spot, I hope that one day you will be at peace too. The ex will be a memory that you can be grateful that s/he’s a memory and find whatever good you can (kids? learning? growing?) from the relationship. There is another side when you heal that is better than you could have ever imagined! Hold on. Healing is here!