Last night the fear had me in its talons. Locked in a cage, cemented by the endless horrific lists of ‘what if’s’ that stealthily swirled in my brain. So much uncertainty lately with outside forces that make life harder than normal to succeed. And I succumbed.
What do I have to fear? Financial insecurity. Deadbeat Dad who writes mean email responses essentially cutting me off at the knees with his narcissist sword. Worries about where we are going to live since the landlords want to flip and sell where we’re renting. Endless web searches to no availability (or too darn expensive) rentals or even house buying in my low budget price range had me practically hyperventliating even though I have supposedly until December. I’m a planner. Can’t you tell?
Then there’s the national news about the gas pipeline, the financial state of our nation and yesterday I signed off on my taxes only to owe again which I completely don’t understand.
And don’t forget this freaking virus and pandemic. I haven’t had the shot and I don’t want it. But everyone’s insisting. I don’t have time to be laid low for 2 or 3 days possibly. And I’m not sure I really trust the whole thing. I’d like to wait a bit. I had thought of getting the J&J but then that whole thing about the blood clots came up in women my age. I don’t have enough information on any of them to make a good decision and I don’t have the interest, nor attention span to research. So I’m just being careful. And worrying…
I’m tired of shouldering everything on my own. I want someone to just walk with me for awhile. Someone whom I could trust. I’d like to lay my burdens down and nap.
And the grocery store prices are increasing. Have you noticed? Gas prices have gone up too. I am feeling the financial squeeze like a python around my neck. And I hate it. I’m stymied. Feeling stuck, but there’s that piece of me that knows I’m responsible for my kids and me so I have to get it together. Figure it out. Find a solution.
Kick the fear to the curb. But it’s not budging.
Thanks for listening. I can’t be the only one feeling this, can I?