Last night the fear had me in its talons. Locked in a cage, cemented by the endless horrific lists of ‘what if’s’ that stealthily swirled in my brain. So much uncertainty lately with outside forces that make life harder than normal to succeed. And I succumbed.

What do I have to fear? Financial insecurity. Deadbeat Dad who writes mean email responses essentially cutting me off at the knees with his narcissist sword. Worries about where we are going to live since the landlords want to flip and sell where we’re renting. Endless web searches to no availability (or too darn expensive) rentals or even house buying in my low budget price range had me practically hyperventliating even though I have supposedly until December. I’m a planner. Can’t you tell?

Then there’s the national news about the gas pipeline, the financial state of our nation and yesterday I signed off on my taxes only to owe again which I completely don’t understand.

And don’t forget this freaking virus and pandemic. I haven’t had the shot and I don’t want it. But everyone’s insisting. I don’t have time to be laid low for 2 or 3 days possibly. And I’m not sure I really trust the whole thing. I’d like to wait a bit. I had thought of getting the J&J but then that whole thing about the blood clots came up in women my age. I don’t have enough information on any of them to make a good decision and I don’t have the interest, nor attention span to research. So I’m just being careful. And worrying…

I’m tired of shouldering everything on my own. I want someone to just walk with me for awhile. Someone whom I could trust. I’d like to lay my burdens down and nap.

And the grocery store prices are increasing. Have you noticed? Gas prices have gone up too. I am feeling the financial squeeze like a python around my neck. And I hate it. I’m stymied. Feeling stuck, but there’s that piece of me that knows I’m responsible for my kids and me so I have to get it together. Figure it out. Find a solution.

Kick the fear to the curb. But it’s not budging.

Thanks for listening. I can’t be the only one feeling this, can I?

This entry was posted in divorce, Untold Stories of Isolation and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Fear

  1. The V Pub says:

    You’re not alone. Aside from price increases, some manufacturers have resorted to putting less product in the package and keeping the prices the same. The end result is the same. As far as COVID is concerned, I’m starting to think that it’s always going to be this shadow over us, and not for very good reasons, either. I’m worried about the discourse being shut down, and the absolute unwillingness for fair and open conversation about it. People are getting censored to an extent that I have not seen in my lifetime. I’ve attached a Brett Weinstein podcast. He’s a PHD in evolutionary biology. It’s quite instructive as to what social media platforms are doing vis a vis Covid information:

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Rob, but I don’t see the attachment. Perhaps it was censored? LOL not LOL if you know what I mean…and yes, these times are not normal but I don’t know what the new normal will evolve to if there is one. I will look up Brett Weinstein on my own. Thank you for caring. I appreciate not being alone.


  2. TJ Fox says:

    I hate that you are so stressed. Things are really a mess right now, in a lot of different areas.

    If it makes you feel better at all, all 4 of us and several of our extended family members have all been fully vaccinated. The worst any of us have felt has been BG (17) and she had a fever and felt weak and crummy for less that 24 hours. The rest it was just some aches and a little tired or a headache. That is with both Pfizer for most and a Moderna tossed in. Even then, those side effects were on the 2nd shot. It is normally easy enough to schedule your shot in a way that you can have a day to rest after, like on a Friday if you have the weekend after free. You may be concerned about being out for a couple of days after a shot, but the alternative is what kind of impact getting sick and hospitalized would have on you. Just some food for thought.

    I hope you can find a comfortable solution to housing! I have seen so many articles lately on how bad the market is on trying to get a home or how much more they are costing right now. I’ve seen first hand how quickly the prices increase on things like lumber and it is just crazy. Definitely keep looking as things are changing on a daily basis. *Hugs*


    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks TJ! Yes, lumber pricing is sky-high right now and finding houses are few and far between. Thanks for the update on side effects from the vaccine. That definitely makes me feel better. I think it’s just hard for me to do it because I never even get a flu shot nor shingles shot or any of it because I guess I’ve been lucky. Just don’t want my luck to run out so I know I probably have to just do it. But I think I’m waiting as long as I can.

      Hugs to you too. Thank you TJ!

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        I wasn’t one to get the flu shot either, but this whole thing has really made me rethink things and I absolutely will going forward. Especially since our family is starting to expand and one of those members is a very high risk individual.


      • janieleeds says:

        Then you must keep them safe. Congrats on expanding your family too! That’s happy news!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. wynneleon says:

    Oh my goodness, I totally hear you. I’m also a single mother and the weight of the responsibility of protecting and providing for our kids is a lot on our shoulders. And I know of the desire to have someone else walk alongside me to solve these problems. Sometimes when the worry is great, I sleep with a stone someone gave me with the word “Believe” carved in it and as an alternative to letting my mind go down that rathole, I just trace those letters in the dark until I fall back asleep.

    For every time I’ve faced similar challenges to the ones you list, I’ve come through stronger. And in these situations whatever you believe in, whether it be God or karma or just personnel fortitude has a chance to shine.

    You aren’t alone. You’ve got this. You are a super mom and its just one more opportunity to show off!


    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you so much for understanding and for your support. I support you too so I’m here if you need a friend. I think that’s why I write because sometimes they are universal things that we’re dealing with and perhaps we can all support each other in this way.
      I do believe in God, Universe, Angels and help when I have challenges. I love that you hold the BELIEVE stone at night. I hug a pillow for comfort. LOL
      But I pray and I believe. I just sometimes feel very alone.


  4. scr4pl80 says:

    Not alone for sure. I struggle with finances as well, although I’m not worried about losing housing since we are in our own home. Of the 5 in our family, 4 of us have gotten the vaccine and while my husband and son had a mild reaction, my daughter and I were fine with both shots (4 with Pfizer, 1 with Moderna). Our eldest daughter does not want to get the vaccine and it does cause some issues between us (most recently going to the Giants game as a family — she would have to get a Covid test 72 hours before the game so that means no last minute tickets which are usually cheaper). Hope that getting your fears out on paper helps somewhat.


    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Janet. Glad you’re all ok, but understand about finances and shots. Hard to manage it all. I may write more tomorrow if you can all stand reading it…perhaps there are others who are dealing with similar issues…hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  5. LA says:

    We are all feeling all sorts of screwed up. Vent if you need to. It’s ok to be scared right now


  6. Ainsobriety says:

    I have not been vaccinated and don’t plan to.
    There is a lot of pressure to. I’m just not comfortable now.
    Plus, I work from home.

    I’m sorry about your ex. Mine is also in the throes of financial distress. I’m glad I don’t rely on him.

    My company I work for was taken over by a competitor this year. Yesterday they welcomed us all into the fold and let us know that by September we would either have a letter indicating the new offer, or and exit letter.

    I have worked here for 25 years. I never expected this…The one bright side is if they keep me they will most likely move me to calgary. Which is where Cooper is going to university in September and where my parents live. Where I grew up.

    Perhaps there will be a bright side….I’m trying to not worry too much.

    Hugs and love



    • janieleeds says:

      Anne, I’m sending hugs and love to you too! 25 years with the same company is a huge amount of time. I pray that the news in September for you is good news. Calgary where you grew up, where your parents are and where Cooper will be would be wonderful. Back home again….

      Thank goodness you don’t rely on ex, but it seems many of them are going through a tough time. While I don’t wish that on any ex (bad Karma and all that), I do wish they were more fiscally responsible, especially when we all depend on him and he’s off spending and then claiming he’s poor. It makes no sense.

      It sounds like a bright side is quite possible so let’s concentrate on that idea! I understand worrying is hard to overcome, but I hope you can at least let it go for now…

      Sending big hopeful hugs and love to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. petespringerauthor says:

    My wife got the Johnson and Johnson and had smooth sailing. I got the Pfizer and had some mild symptoms (chills and tired for a day) with the second vaccination. Since then, I’ve felt fine. My wife and I have been super careful throughout, but after being fully vaccinated, we both feel safer. We just flew from California to Montana. (first plane flight since Covid) Everyone on the plane wore masks except for brief moments when eating a snack or taking a drink. We had only seen our son once in the last year, and it was great to meet his new girlfriend and hang out with them. The culture in Montana was much different than in California, and fewer people are wearing masks in Montana.


    • janieleeds says:

      Pete, I am so happy that you and your wife got to see your son! I am sure he was thrilled to be with you and introduce you to his girlfriend! I’m glad you had safe travels and now vaccinated. Thanks for sharing. Stay healthy and happy! 🙂


  8. Dwight Hyde says:

    Big hugs, Janie. I totally get wanting to share the load at times. You are not alone. On the bright side you have now faced your fears, given them a space to voice all their concerns, and most importantly you didn’t run away and hide. As you said you are a planner, so now is the time to roll up your sleeves and kick some ass! Be open to solutions that weren’t on the table before but are now. Get passed what everyone else may think and what “traditionally” others would do. Not all paths forward have to be long term either. Some can be temporary until we can breathe again and the we can reassess and adjust. With change comes growth. This is very much a project and I totally believe in you! 🤗😊❤️


    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Dwight. Your wisdom and kindness are much appreciated. I don’t think it will be long term as I am not sure if I want to stay in my area. But yes, I’ve now voiced my fears and it feels better. “With change comes growth.” Yes, you are right. Thanks for believing in me. I believe in you too!🤗😊❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Deep post here friend. Hold on to God. Let God be the person whom you walk with. Say a prayer to the Lord, and tell him how you feel, I am sure that he would be happy to hear from you. God is the King and concerning us, he says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.

    Two Bible quotes that I like concerning fear are:

    Psalm 34:4
    “I sought the Lord, and he answered me
        and delivered me from all my fears”.

    Philippians 4:13
    ” I can do all things through him who strengthens me”.

    While we can try to do things on our own, God is able to help us in dealing with our fears. God is able to put things in order for us and to make things work out for our good. To overcome fear, we need to put God first. God is the king and there is nothing impossible for him to do.

    If anyone reading is interested in building a relationship with God, I have a post on that here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    There is much more to know about God. I post frequently on my blog about topics related to God. You are welcome to follow my blog to keep up with my content.

    -All the best. May God bless you. 


    • janieleeds says:

      I appreciate your taking the time to read my post and to write a caring comment! Nice to meet you by the way.

      Your inclusion of Philippians was one of my mother’s favorite Bible verses and it was a good reminder to me so thank you for including it. It touched my heart.

      It’s sad how we get so caught up that we forget to pray and ask for help.

      May God bless you as well and I wish you all the best. Thanks for including your blog post in the comment so I can stop by to read it.

      Have a blessed day….


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