Helping A Friend Through The Aftermath Of Divorce

I spent all day yesterday with a friend who’s divorced. Although our kids were in school together, we weren’t friends. We met after the ex left me via mutual friends. Subsequently her marriage imploded and so we bonded. She’s doing well in the healing process but needed a little extra help so yesterday we spent a lot of time connecting the dots of how her childhood, her beliefs and what happened with the divorce could be processed in order to give her peace. I feel like we had a lot of ‘a-ha’ moments of clarity and when she left, I think she felt better. Sometimes you just need someone to be with you as you go through what happened and why, in order to put the puzzle pieces together and then rearrange them for this new life that’s here.

Because that’s what healing after divorce is about – gathering up the puzzle pieces of your old life to decide what you’re keeping and what you’re releasing – and then making a new image for the next chapter.

Her husband cheated and she found out. I don’t know for sure about my kids’ father because he didn’t get caught, but I’m pretty sure he did as well. There are too many questionable things that happened throughout the marriage that at the time I wasn’t able to understand. But time has a way of helping you to see what you didn’t want to back then. So I think it’s easier for me than it is for her. But we worked through that as well and luckily she sees the value in her life now without him which helps her to heal. But letting go of the Story of Us is hard for anyone who’s been left in a relationship, especially when the leaver won’t be honest. As hard as honesty is, I’d rather blunt truth than a string of lies, but that’s me. How do you feel about it?

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7 Responses to Helping A Friend Through The Aftermath Of Divorce

  1. LA says:

    It’s funny but I’ve been on the do we get over things/how do we do it merry go round, but I’ve never specifically thought about would one want to go back and find out the truth. I think I’d want the truth….but you know…I’m not sure….I’m thinking this out…

    Like

  2. Ainsobriety says:

    Infidelity is a form of abuse. It striped me of my sense of security, identify and peace. The one person it trusted was so careless. It was just unbearable for a while.
    Chumplady.com is the best resource. Make sure she has found it. I needed the realism.
    I have grieved and let go of both the wish for my old life and any belief that Craig’s behaviour was any sort of commentary on my value. This is vital, and very hard. Cheating is just completely selfish.

    I have found some of my best friends in other divorced women. It is an interesting process to regain independence, and it is so nice to find others who can understand. I am sure your friend appreciated the love.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Anne, thank you for sharing. I will guide her to Chumplady and of course, I will check it out for myself anyway.
      I appreciate all the kindness that many divorced women give to each other when they want to help someone else along the way. I have met so many new friends because of it! Regaining our independence is a major step towards healing!
      I’m so glad we’ve met!! 💗

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Beth W. says:

    I am a big believer in honesty even when it hurts. I think that is what the most troubling thing about my marriage ending was. I didn’t know what was happening and my (ex)husband refused to talk to me. I have discovered a few things that lead me to believe he was unfaitful, if not physically, at least emotionally. I think I would have rather had the band-aid ripped off and just dealt with the aftermath than to receive the silent treatment and be left wondering what was going on.

    I love the analogy about picking up the puzzle pieces and making a new image for the next chapter. ❤

    It is wonderful that you were there for your friend. It is quite an eye-opener to see how many women there are that are going through the same thing. I am finding that time does heal and I have less moments of self-doubt than I did before. Going no contact was a huge help. While I still hear his criticism in my head from time to time, at least I don't have to see the texts or hear his voice anymore. Having friends to give us more positive messages and encouragement is truly a blessing. Thank you for being one of the positive voices ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Hi Beth! I am sorry that you and I seem to be in similar boats with the maybe lingering in our heads, but I have gotten to the point where it doesn’t matter to me whether he did or didn’t as that is on him and not on me. I too endured the silent treatment, along with gaslighting, lies and I am so happy to report that I no longer have to walk on eggshells nor worry about what he’s doing or not doing. I set him free (with the exception of being angry when he’s deadbeat money wise).

      While I yearned to co-parent and thought we could be that couple that were nice through the divorce because I took the high road, he could not. It took me a few years to finally see that he wasn’t going to play nicely. We have not spoken in more than a year. I email only when necessary because I have nothing to say to him – except perhaps thank you – but to a narcissist, it wouldn’t help me.

      I love that we are banding together to help each other to heal and to grow and to learn. I’m always here for you and I’m grateful to be one of the positive voices just like you! 💗

      Liked by 1 person

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