This is obviously a lesson that’s been on repeat for awhile because I haven’t quite mastered it and yet, I keep thinking I have. But for whatever reason, that sneaky critical voice pops in just as the wave of relief subsides and I’m back to square one. And I’ve started to notice a pattern so 1) good that I’m aware and 2) now I need to shut up that critical voice unless it’s saying something constructive.
When we divorced, I moved into a rental with the kids. We called it the transition house because I didn’t plan on being here longer than necessary (kid had to stay in district for duration of high school). But he’s been out now for 2 years and we’re still here. Recently the landlords let me know that we’d be revisiting the subject of them wanting to flip the house and sell it in December. I’ve been searching for rentals and even thought of purchasing a small home for the last 8 months, but only found 2 places, but they didn’t pan out. So understandably, I’ve been quietly nervous and I did tell the kids what was going on so that they were aware because I started packing up some of the stuff that we didn’t use on a daily basis.
So when I recently got the opportunity to talk with one of the landlords (the nice one), I asked him point blank about their plans for the house. Kindly, he let me know that they’d never throw me out and that if I wanted to stay another year or two that I was welcome to it. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was as if the mantle of worry was removed. I thanked him and said that I’d like to stay another year. Whew.
Now you may wonder why I was worried because obviously I have a lease. Well, yes, I do, but the lawyer who wrote the lease passed away from Covid and we haven’t renewed the lease. I just pay on time every month and I’m a good tenant. So I’m thinking legally I’m on a month to month basis. The nice landlord is laid back and kind. We have kids who are the same age. But the money one, the not nice one, is my worry.
And I hate being worried. I hate that I feel I am at their mercy even though I believe the nice landlord. I miss the security of owning my own home. But I don’t even know where I’d want to move to anymore.
So why do I feel like a failure???
Because I didn’t find a new place to live and I’m still here in this rental. I like the area and my neighbors, the house is decently sized and I feel safe here, but there are other issues like summers are really hot here even with AC units and the insulation isn’t great in the wintertime. Also, I feel like that inner critic is hounding me still – get on with your life, move out of the transition house and find your own place so you never have to worry about being a renter. And then again, I don’t know if I want to own another house or if I can financially. What a double-edged sword…and that’s not even talking about the prices of the homes which have skyrocketed or the fact that there aren’t any decent rentals around either.
Ok, enough from me. I hope you’re all ok! 🙂