Why Do I Feel Like A Failure When It’s A Success?

This is obviously a lesson that’s been on repeat for awhile because I haven’t quite mastered it and yet, I keep thinking I have. But for whatever reason, that sneaky critical voice pops in just as the wave of relief subsides and I’m back to square one. And I’ve started to notice a pattern so 1) good that I’m aware and 2) now I need to shut up that critical voice unless it’s saying something constructive.

When we divorced, I moved into a rental with the kids. We called it the transition house because I didn’t plan on being here longer than necessary (kid had to stay in district for duration of high school). But he’s been out now for 2 years and we’re still here. Recently the landlords let me know that we’d be revisiting the subject of them wanting to flip the house and sell it in December. I’ve been searching for rentals and even thought of purchasing a small home for the last 8 months, but only found 2 places, but they didn’t pan out. So understandably, I’ve been quietly nervous and I did tell the kids what was going on so that they were aware because I started packing up some of the stuff that we didn’t use on a daily basis.

So when I recently got the opportunity to talk with one of the landlords (the nice one), I asked him point blank about their plans for the house. Kindly, he let me know that they’d never throw me out and that if I wanted to stay another year or two that I was welcome to it. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was as if the mantle of worry was removed. I thanked him and said that I’d like to stay another year. Whew.

Now you may wonder why I was worried because obviously I have a lease. Well, yes, I do, but the lawyer who wrote the lease passed away from Covid and we haven’t renewed the lease. I just pay on time every month and I’m a good tenant. So I’m thinking legally I’m on a month to month basis. The nice landlord is laid back and kind. We have kids who are the same age. But the money one, the not nice one, is my worry.

And I hate being worried. I hate that I feel I am at their mercy even though I believe the nice landlord. I miss the security of owning my own home. But I don’t even know where I’d want to move to anymore.

So why do I feel like a failure???

Because I didn’t find a new place to live and I’m still here in this rental. I like the area and my neighbors, the house is decently sized and I feel safe here, but there are other issues like summers are really hot here even with AC units and the insulation isn’t great in the wintertime. Also, I feel like that inner critic is hounding me still – get on with your life, move out of the transition house and find your own place so you never have to worry about being a renter. And then again, I don’t know if I want to own another house or if I can financially. What a double-edged sword…and that’s not even talking about the prices of the homes which have skyrocketed or the fact that there aren’t any decent rentals around either.

Ok, enough from me. I hope you’re all ok! 🙂

This entry was posted in Covid-19 Virus, divorce, finding happiness at 50 and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Why Do I Feel Like A Failure When It’s A Success?

  1. scr4pl80 says:

    I get this. The housing is crazy around here. I am paying less for my mortgage on a 3 bedroom, 1-1/2 bath house than someone would pay for a studio apartment! No wonder two of my kids still live with us. You could always start looking again slowly. The house may just pop up for you when you least expect it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Hi Janet! That’s what I was thinking- maybe I’ll get lucky and one will surprise me. In the meantime, I agree with you – that’s the situation here as well…and I think all over the country. Good for you for having a mortgage so you own your own home! To me, that’s security…happy for you! 🙂 Love your cards by the way!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. petespringerauthor says:

    It’s a tough time to buy with the prices going up so drastically unless you have a home to sell to help offset some of the costs. On the other hand, rentals typically go up during these periods too. If I were in your shoes, I suppose my only concern would be if the friendly landlord passes or sells his part of the house. Life is filled with tough decisions, and I vote for trusting your instincts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Hi Pete, thanks! I am trusting my instincts and the nice landlord as he’s a stand up salt of the earth good person who has a good reputation in town. The landlords together have a bunch of houses and the business is intact so I don’t see the nice one leaving. He’s the backbone. Fingers crossed that I find something else along the way, but in the meantime, I’m still looking. Prices are insane though and very little now on the market as we go into Winter.


  3. bone&silver says:

    I’d encourage you to buy a house or unit- over 50s women are the fastest growing population of homeless folk- I know that won’t happen to you, but you DESERVE a stable, safe little home of your own, forever.

    Plus, never trust a mean landlord…

    Could you buy a big house with a good friend or family member and split it in two? Hugs x


    • janieleeds says:

      Hi G! Friends and I have been talking about being like the ‘Golden Girls’ and finding a place where we can all have our own separate wings but live together. I think it’s more of a future thing, but I like the idea.
      I don’t trust the mean one, but I do trust the nice one so that’s good. Interestingly the mean one is prominent in the church which if those only knew how he was outside of church, they’d be surprised. But that’s another subject all together. Hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. LA says:

    You’re not a failure. Breathe. Take a moment. And calmly think about the next step

    Liked by 1 person

  5. TJ Fox says:

    I’m assuming that the price for the house you are renting is out of your range, otherwise I’d suggest making an offer on the one you are in if the owners are actually willing to sell. You like the house and the neighbors, so it seems like it would be a good solution. Some owners are willing to do a lease to purchase kind of deal where you pay for the house through a rent kind of payment, though I really don’t know all the specifics. My neighbors bought their house that way, so I do know it is possible. The timing is horrible right now, at least around here, for buying houses because the market is through the roof. Nothing stays on the market long around here, so it is incredibly difficult to get into anything. I’m glad they are willing to give you a little more time to figure things out. You got this!


    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you TJ! I have been lucky (blessed) that they have not raised the rent in 4 years since I got here, but it has been noted by the money landlord and I was reminded. However, I am also someone who ‘ puts up’ with their use of the garage, comings and goings of workmen (landlords have side biz in construction/flip houses) and I’m sure someone else would not be as accommodating as me. But I know that there is a huge crack in the foundation so buying this would not be an option (although if circumstances were different, I would have thought about it).
      I figure I will just stay for the next year and keep a watch on real estate while I’m ok where I am at the moment. Baby steps…
      I appreciate your support and your ideas!! Thanks!

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Ainsobriety says:

    I’m not sure what you are like, but I hate change. I kept my house in the divorce as I did not want to have to move. We moved into this house in 2004. From next door. Yes, I moved one house over.

    Sometimes I think I play life small. I choose stability and familiarity over new and change. Both are fine ways to live.

    It sounds to me like the uncertainty of the lease is a huge issue. Find a new lawyer and get a new lease signed for a year. Give yourself that as a timeline to pause, gather information, talk to your bank and decide what you want to do.

    Kids don’t stay in school forever. Is this where you see yourself in 10 years? Would you like to travel? Do you want less housework, etc?

    For you. Consider you. Then make plans.

    For me, one of my kids graduated in June. The other is in grade 11. Staying where I am makes sense until then. After that, I not sure yet,but I highly doubt I would stay in this remote city on my own.

    Get the lease. Get the peace of mind and schedule for decisions determined.


    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Anne. Great advice and I will definitely look into it so I have a better feeling of security. I’ve been thinking of moving but I don’t know where to? So I’m trying to settle in (even though I’ve been here for years) and enjoy this last (?) year with peace in my heart. Hugs to you too….

      Liked by 1 person

  7. hbsuefred says:

    Seems like we’ve all been there, done that or are being there and doing that now. I know i at least speak for myself here. I am also, for quite different reasons, considering where I want to land next. I have various places to consider for various reasons so I plan to visit as many of those places as possible as soon as possible given uncontrollable factors like weather and covid.

    Appears you are fortunate as well to have that sort of relatively unencumbered future flexibility as you consider your options. Nice to have that breathing room though sometimes it’s better not to i.e. to be “forced” into a decision you probably would have made anyway but with more dithtering!

    One of the places I would like to consider is the one I just left except unfortunately the ex and his new girlfriend live there. I do plan to visit there, Lord willing and Covid don’t rise, at which time, best case, I will be able to get back in the house he bought me out of and remove more of the things I didn’t want before when he offered to move them but that I’d like to have now since my situation has changed.

    Good luck with this endeavor and please share any suggestions or advice you pick up in the process.


    • janieleeds says:

      Good luck with getting what you want as I know how difficult it can seem/be. I hope you get the items that you’d like to have now out of the house. That would feel good so I wish you well with that! I don’t know where I want to go now so I’m staying put for the moment. We shall see how it goes, but if I come across any suggestions, I shall surely share with you! Have a great day!!!


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