Can I Process Here?

I feel like I’ve fallen down a hole. Like I’ve lost my footing and I don’t know where to step next. My head is spinning at the moment. I’m not sure how to deal with this stuff. And I have to deal with it before I open it up to friends/family/kids. I’m not sure what to make of it all. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s something. Maybe it’s metastic from the cancer many years ago. Maybe it’s all coincidence. Maybe it’s nothing…yes, I’d like that version. It’s nothing.

I went to the primary doctor yesterday because I have an ear infection and I got antibiotics from him. We discussed all the testing and other doctors he sent me to and I caught him up on what seems to be heart-related fainting. But then the neurologist called me because I called his office asking that if the heart dr says it’s my heart that’s making me faint, then can I call off the MRI of the brain that’s scheduled this week because I don’t need it.

But no….so neurologist surprised me by telling me that last week’s Brain EEG was abnormal. Brain waves on the left side were slower at times. So I definitely have to have an MRI of brain this week and probably another EEG but one that takes even longer to make sure that what they found in the first one was really was an abnormality. Oh fun. Here I thought the fainting was just heart related. But now there could be more to it according to the neurologist.

What the heck happened? I hit age 55 and all hell broke loose? Really? My head is spinning but I’m not sure if it’s my heart or my brain making me dizzy…could be either of them I guess. WTH!?!

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to put my head in the sand and block it all out. I want someone to hold me, hug me, and tell me it’s all ok. Even if it’s a lie. I don’t care right now. Just let me put my head on your shoulder and you take care of me for 5 minutes. Let me lay down my burdens or you carry them for a few minutes so I can get my bearings.

Oh and the heart doctors’ group are a bunch of idiots. So I’m going to get a second opinion because it’s like the right hand has no idea what the left hand is doing. They were scheduling me for tests that they didn’t tell me about and passing me off to a colleague whom I’d never met. And some of their office staff are rude, dismissive and angry people. I don’t need that…

I have a second opinion scheduled with a well-known heart doctor appointment next week so we’ll see how that goes. If the new heart doctor’s nurse is any indication of how his office is run, then I’m definitely going with them even though they’re over an hour and 1/2 away. Patient, kind, professional, knowledgeable and explained it all to me in simple terms…that’s what I need and want in a doctor who’s going to work on me in a life or death situation – aka heart. Don’t you think?

I’ve been through so much in my life. Yes, I want to control what I can. Yes, I know what I want in a doctor/surgeon and I will find the right one that works for me, with me. I won’t just go ahead and have some test done to get it over with unless I know who’s doing it, why and how they’re doing it. That’s how I survived this long and I’m not backing down now.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate you. I have good friends both here on blogging and in life. Thanks for letting me process before I have to tell the in life ones. I think I’m just going to stay quiet until I hear more about the MRI results…because why scare them? Right? Same with the kids. I’ll just keep going….like the energizer bunny…because nothing’s for sure…and “it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…”