I know it’s silly. I mean, crying doesn’t do much, but I can’t stop the tears from flowing down my face this morning. It’s really early, just the pup and me up, so I thought I’d write because I just can’t talk with anyone else right now about it.
There’s a million reasons why I’m crying, but none good enough in the end. And no, I’m not seeking to be dramatic, although my brother thought the whole heart thing was me being a drama queen until the cardiologist told him that I have a 50% mortality rate if I don’t have it done soon. So there. Who the hell would make up having open heart surgery to get attention? Seriously? But he’s a whole other story that doesn’t matter to me this morning.
The kids want to tell their dad and his side of the family. I know they need support, but they’ve been so mean to me that I don’t want to share anything with them. They stopped talking with me back in 2018 so I don’t think they merit any news about me ever again. But then again, this can’t be all about me because the kids need support from all sides of the family. It’s a shame though as I’d prefer they never know.
Not that I think they’re going to do anything helpful, except maybe feed the kids while I’m in the hospital for a week. Although I have friends who will help me and my brother will too. I don’t want them to use this as a way to twist the kids up into their web even more. I could see their narcissistic minds turning about how they can now really get rid of me (I die) and they get my kids.
Did you know that the ex demanded the kids tell him when they’re free on Mother’s Day so he could make reservation for them to see his mother? It’s Mother’s Day, I’m the MOM! He’s never done it before so I don’t know why he’s doing it this year. But he got shut down by the kids and now they’re seeing her Saturday which is fine with me. I’m not denying her seeing my kids as the grandma, but seriously? Wanting Mother’s Day time with my kids, leaving me alone and all of them together? Absurd.
I’m on Day 12 of not smoking, but this emotional rollercoaster is killing me. Thanks for reading. I just need a safe space to speak my truth.
Authentically 50 ~ Embracing Life's Changes 
Sending love
LikeLiked by 2 people
❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
If I can give any advice at all, it’d be the same advice that you’d give me. Do NOT allow that toxic family to infect you or your healing process. You have a brother and others who have GOOD intentions to help and support you. They do NOT. I shake my head at their family narcissism to try and get a piece of your Mother’s Day. So disordered. Take care my friend.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you…you are right. I am planning on staying faraway from them…I don’t know why I was so stunned since they haven’t changed since the split, only getting more toxic…
I hope you have a lovely Mother’s Day…
LikeLiked by 2 people
We can’t risk trusting any “kindness” from toxic people, they don’t have good intentions. I’m going to be home on Mother’s Day but will be back up with the kids SOON. Got my tickets already booked. That’s my present from them. Remember, I’m always here for you.
LikeLike
Oh my gosh, Janie, how terrifying for you. You cry as much as you want. Sometimes life just sucks and right now what’s happening is awful and scary. A whole week in the hospital, yikes! If the prognosis is 50% survival without it, though, you have no choice and probably should have it sooner rather than later. Kudos to the kids for shutting down the ex regarding Mother’s Day. If ever there was a Mother’s Day that you want your kids close, it is this one. Unfortunately, narcissists, like leopards, don’t change their spots. 😦 Good for you quitting smoking, a challenging endeavor in the best of times. You are strong and you will get through all of this, but there is no shame in taking time to process and vent and cry if you need to. Sending LOTS of hugs and prayers ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Beth…no, narcissists don’t change and I’ve noticed that with age (getting older), they get worse, like more demanding etc. Thanks for the hugs and prayers. Much appreciated as always…and yes, I think it all just sucks…💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I cannot believe the audacity of your husband wanting your kids with his mother on Mother’s Day. Unbelievable. I hope you feel better this weekend after your tears.
LikeLike
Thank you…the audacity is mind-blowing often with the ex’s family and their entitlement issues. I’m hoping the tears clean out the grief and I can move along on this process.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hope the tears are healing. Please keep us up to date with your surgery.
LikeLike
Thank you…they are very healing. And I will let you all know when it’s finalized.
LikeLike
Sorry you have to go through all of this. What a jerk. Totally agree that they don’t need to know anything about you.
LikeLike
Thanks Janet. I agree, but I think I have to put the kids ahead of me so that they have support and can not be bullied when they say they can’t do something…because they need to be with me. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️💔❤️🩹💝Hope your heart surgery goes well, that you get surrounded by well-meaning people and that the toxic ones stay out of your life, such a tough situation though when you are always tied to them through the kids, may you be given ease and tranquility throughout the hardships💐
LikeLike
Thank you so much Ease. I love the name by the way…and the sentiment…beautiful. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️💐
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s nothing better for the soul than a good cry. I’m not an emotional person, so I don’t cry very often, but Lord, when I do….it’s all day. It’s like opening a floodgate of everything I’ve held in for months, maybe even years! Tears have a funny way of stopping when they’re done. 💖
LikeLike
I used to think I that if I started crying, I’d never stop so I would try not to cry. But I’ve learned that you eventually do stop and it is good to let it all out. Thank you. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are welcome lovely. Everything is temporary. 💜🤗
LikeLike
Woman. You don’t have to have a reason to cry. It is what you feel. Honor it. Also honey you aren’t being “dramatic.” That’s some bullshit right there. That’s some man bullshit. I can’t remember where it is right now but one of the chapters in Women Who Run with the Wolves talks about honoring our emotions, our tears. I hope you felt better after you wrote. Also honor what is inside you about who you tell. If the family is like that, that isn’t support, even for your kids. You get to decide who knows what and when. Be “selfish.”
LikeLike
I have to tell you when I read your message, I got a little teary, with a smile which emerged from being understood by you even though we don’t know each other. I will have to get that book you mentioned. Thank you. I did feel better after I wrote and I may write more so bear with me…thank you so much. Sending you a hug…I appreciate you.
LikeLike