I’m sleeping a lot, but I’m also getting up in the middle of the night. Well, not getting up, as in out of bed, but being awake and then I can’t get back to sleep. I toss and turn. I go over what I’d really like to say to some people but can’t/don’t. Although for some reason, I was able to sleep through until 5am this morning. Well, not according to the Fitbit, but I don’t remember watching the clock as much last night so that’s good.
I know it’s not such a big deal to have open heart surgery nowadays, but to me, it feels huge. Even after the 10 + surgeries I’ve experienced over this lifetime, you’d think it wouldn’t be a huge deal. But it feels that way. I can’t help it. I don’t want to go through it. But I know the alternative is that I don’t live. And I want to be here for my kids, even though life feels really flipping hard these days.
But there are times when I’d just like to be left alone to live the way I want until I pass. Just let me enjoy my life and concentrate on making more memories with my family and friends and not worry about the future, the kids, money, etc. You know, I quit smoking. Cold turkey. I quit April 25th, but I’ve cheated 2x. However, all in all, I think it’s good.
Last night I cheated though and had a glass of wine with one. Why? Because there are just some times when I want to cave in and have one. And so I did even though I know it’s not good for me. Please don’t berate me. I know what I did. I’m just being raw and honest here. Because I trust you. Because I want to and because I can. And I’m human. Lord knows, I’m human, full of foibles, contradictions and just trying to do my best under these circumstances.
It’s not easy these days, is it? For any of us? We’re all doing the best we can under the circumstances. I’m not one to judge. I’m more of an encourager because that’s how I like to be treated. Far be it for me to tell you what to do because I’m certainly not the guru around here. Not by a long shot.
What I do know is that I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ve read up on what’s in store for me with the upcoming surgery and I’m ambivalent about the whole mess. I just don’t want to do it. I know I have a choice, but I really don’t in my mind. I can’t leave my kids alone in the hands of those crazy narcissists yet. Someday, yes. But not yet. So I have to prepare myself for the agony.
And woe to those who want to pollyanna the whole mess to me as I’m not ready. I don’t care that I’ll have renewed energy once I have a new heart valve. That my broken heart will be fixed so I can find love again. That this is a new chapter. Etc. Etc……F-that.
Sure, I am not so obtuse that I don’t know all that…or haven’t thought of it. But I can’t see through to that because there’s so much pain, recovery etc first to deal with and I know what it’s like to recover from major surgeries. It’s not easy. It takes stamina, mental awareness and strength that I just can’t summon yet. You have to want to live, push through and stay here on this planet to proceed in this lifetime you’ve got. Otherwise, it’s only a half-assed effort which can go either way.
I still haven’t heard back from the cardiologist office to confirm the surgery date. It’s the end of May as of now. I have this weird feeling that they’re going to push it up suddenly and without warning I’ll feel like another rug has been pulled out from under me. I hope that doesn’t happen. In the meantime, what keeps me up is thinking of all I have to do, or should do, before I go into the hospital and how I will manage after I get out.
I know this isn’t insurmountable. I know help will be offered. I know I’ll have to release control over a lot of stuff in my life because I won’t be able to do what I’ve been doing for awhile now. I know, I know, I know. I just don’t wanna do any of it. Haven’t you ever felt this way?