Last night I had this crazy dream (hence the title) which was that a friend was getting married and my group of girlfriends and I were all in her wedding. She had us all dressed in white short dresses that mimicked her gown instead of the usual bridesmaid dresses. By the way, this woman is already married and has been for decades which is weird. And we were all young, like in our late 20’s/early 30’s.
In the dream, I had to get ready and was running late (which isn’t unusual for me). But I also had a baby that I had to hold the entire time and it was the ex’s baby (not the kids we had together) and both of my parents (who are now deceased) were there and I was in charge of taking care of them as well. I remember that my parents were sick so that was hard, but they were also required to be at the wedding and that was a challenge.
When I awoke, I remembered so many details from the dream, but all I can now remember is the overall feeling – the feeling of being overwhelmed, responsible for everyone and everything and having the everyone mad at me for arriving late to the wedding without them realizing what I was juggling which was impossible.
What I’m thinking is that even in sleep my brain is trying to process this next chapter. And yes, I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m trying to nest (like before the kids were born) and get things settled in case I can’t do things after the surgery. I’m trying to remember to schedule bill paying, lawn care, trying to clean the house, get ready for people to be here in case they begin to stop by while I’m recuperating. I’m trying to get the kids on a schedule (not easy) and worrying about the dog.
I go through stages when I just cry from the stress and fear of it all. I think I need to release all the stressors that way which helps. Even though my brother will help and be the on point person for the doctors, I have to get everything done on my own. Luckily I have a few trusted friends who have offered to help me which is good. Because I’m tired normally, but lately, I can feel my heart palpitating from the stress more often and getting dizzy more often. I haven’t fainted in awhile which is good though so somehow I’m stopping the stress before I faint. Thank goodness. At least that’s good.
Let’s hope I can continue it.