Nothing Left Unsaid

I have loved my first boyfriend for years, decades even if I’m honest. He was my first kiss and while we could never really be on the same page at the same time (couldn’t live with him, couldn’t live without him), there has been a connection continued throughout our whole lives.

We’ve reconnected since the ex left me. The OB (old boyfriend) is married though and his wife and I have talked. She knows I am not a threat to their marriage. The OB has evolved into an old friend only with whom I can talk (and he can too). Last year they had some difficulties in their marriage and I did my best to help him through it as she walked out on him briefly. Secretly though, I think she reconnected us in hopes that we’d hit it off again and she could blame him for cheating, but I’m not that type of girl. Nope. You want to come to me, you’d better be free and clear as I am no man’s affair.

We email occasionally and when he reached out recently, I told him about the upcoming surgery. He called me a few days later and we talked. And I don’t know what got into me, but there was a huge inclination to tell all, to leave nothing unsaid and so at 10am in the morning, without liquid courage (aka a big glass of wine), I told him how I felt. I told him that I had loved him my whole life. I brought up a few past events and told him what was really going through my mind at that time and how I felt about it now. Nothing was left unsaid because in my. mind, I have nothing to lose by speaking my truth.

I wasn’t trying to sway him to me. Heck, I don’t even know if I’ll make it through the surgery so what better time to ‘fess up! The OB and I have beaten around the bush for years, not saying what we mean and playing games to protect our hearts for decades.

What was really awesome was that he took it all in stride. He met me exactly where I was in this process. He told me how he felt during those events and even brought up a few others, sharing what he was thinking at the time and asking if I remembered them in a similar fashion. How strange it is to hear now so many years later that we were thinking the same thing, but scared to take a chance for fear of rejection. Not that any of it matters now as it is water under the bridge, but still, it was nice to share.

And he told me he loved me, without hesitation and it felt good. I’ve always felt he loved me and vice versa. But it was a great way to close the chapter…feeling loved.

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4 Responses to Nothing Left Unsaid

  1. E.A. Wickham says:

    That’s a wonderful story. I’m happy for you that you told him your true feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beth W. says:

    How sweet, Janie. ❤ I believe there are people that we have a soul connection with. I think he sounds like one for you. Laying it all on the table is a great idea, not just when scary surgery is looming, but for every day, I think. Honestly, none of us knows if we will be here tomorrow. Good for you being brave enough to tell him your feelings and to find out that the feelings are reciprocated. Just hearing that we are loved can go a long way and leave us feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, even if the feelings aren't acted upon. ❤


    • janieleeds says:

      I love that you get it Beth! And yes, it was really healing and I think it was for him too. While nothing else changed in the relationship, I’m totally fine with that! I am glad he and I reconnected in that way. 💕


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