I feel like I’ve been dropped off the face of the earth. As tired as I am from the surgery and subsequent painful healing, I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’m in this weird transition phase (for lack of a better word) and I can’t seem to explain it.
I am just existing. Perhaps that gives you an inkling into what I’m experiencing. I spend the day in the family room at my home with the kids upstairs taking care of the dog. Netflix and me chill out for hours with my butt on the new recliner waiting for the dog to bound down the stairs to go outside for a potty break or the kids to tell me they’re hungry or for them to check on me with meds or taking my BP (blood pressure) because I can’t do it myself.
Otherwise, there’s nothing. And I have no interest in talking to friends really. I used to be on the phone all day, all night, chatting happily to friends. But now? Nah…I don’t know what to say. I’m just trying to get through the day.
Maybe I’m depressed, I don’t know. I feel like nobody understands me because how could they? They haven’t been through this and I can’t really explain how I feel. I just don’t care really and that’s so not me. People are nice to me and I’m like, that’s nice. I’ll send a thank you note. But otherwise? Nothing.
I’m flatlining…heart pun, heart joke. Get it? Bad joke really. But you know what I mean?
I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m sad. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t understand what this is that I’m going through at all. It’s so not like me. Then again, who am I anymore?
Back to the drawing board Janie…I guess at 55 we’ve got to find our authenticity again….want to ride with me anyone?