All Alone

I was sipping my coffee when I decided to open the computer and saw the date. It’s my wedding unanniversary. I’ll admit I was dumbstruck for a moment. Because today felt different. I am at peace. I think that’s the difference. It’s serenely quiet at my home with the kids and dog away with the ex and the ex’s girlfriend. It’s a strange feeling when usually my home is bustling and I’ll admit that last night it felt too quiet.

But this morning I’m thinking about what I can do today and for the next few days before they return. How I can do things to keep myself busy: like go get my car washed, wash the comforter on my bed, organize and straighten up the house, Last night I treated myself to dinner delivered. It was so lovely! No pots nor pans to clean up – it felt divine!

I talked with the kids while they were in the car with the ex’s GF who was driving my son’s car on their way to see their dad. My kids are very sweet and nice to her (and vice versa) so I thanked her for sharing the driving because they were in high traffic areas which my kids aren’t used to and also so there would be some form of communication between us. Because who knows if what he’s setting up is an engagement considering the supreme efforts he’s making to have them drive down together to see him. One never knows with a narc.

And how would I feel if that were to happen? Well, I don’t want him anymore so that’s not the issue. What would be the issue is the insecurity I’d feel that he was engaged while I haven’t found anyone since the divorce. And yet, I haven’t really been looking as I’ve been healing from the traumas I’ve experienced.

I think what bothers me most is this: he’s still got his parents/family and when the GF and my kids and he are together, he’s making a new family and I’m alone. That’s the crux of it.

One more layer released. I think I’ll go make my to do list….

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13 Responses to All Alone

  1. Didi says:

    You know what you should have done? Spa day at home. Make yourself whatever drink you want, put a mask on your face and enjoy yourself. Maybe it’s not a good time to find someone, maybe now is the right time for you to be alone. Take advantage of it and take care of yourself. And the day will come when you will like someone again, and those sweet moments will come, I firmly believe in that.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Didi! Well, I have today to myself as well so Spa Day it will be! ๐Ÿ™‚ Now I have to head back over to your blog to find something special to treat myself to so that I can have my spa day at home! ๐Ÿ™‚ Great idea!!

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      • Didi says:

        Awwww thanks lovely, you are incredibly kind. I really wish you all the luck from the bottom of my heart. And always do a spa day because you deserve to have everything revolve around you on that day.๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜

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      • janieleeds says:

        Thanks Didi! You’re my inspiration for spa day! ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜

        Liked by 1 person

  2. LA says:

    Donโ€™t focus on what you donโ€™t haveโ€ฆconcentrate on what you do

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Beth W. says:

    I completely understand what you mean by “too quiet”. I think making a list is a great idea, but don’t push yourself too much. I love that you treated yourself to dinner. Sometimes it is really nice not to have to be on anyone else’s scedule but your own. I love my kids and my dog, but sometimes a quiet home where I can listen to my music or shows with no interruptions and can eat cereal for dinner if I want to ( ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) can be so satisfying. The busy, bustling home will be back soon enough. In the meantime, relax, enjoy and be good to you!! โค

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Beth! I agree – I could have even eaten cereal or cheese and crackers and been happy! I can’t remember the last time I was alone in the house for any stretch of time…it felt good but strange at the same time. A peaceful serenity and I’m enjoying it. (And I did overdo a bit so I didn’t finish my list, but there’s always today to keep working on it!) ๐Ÿ™‚ Big smile! I hope all is well with you!

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  4. E.A. Wickham says:

    You shouldn’t compare your ex’s relationship and possible engagement with your life. It’s not a competition — and he may be headed for a disaster.

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  5. It was my would-have-been-anniversary a few days ago as well. First one since the divorce. It was weird. No regrets, but definitely a feeling of loss. Loss of dreams, and loss of a person who never really was. I’m happier now. I am creating my own new anniversaries, and celebrating them however I like. Take this time to learn to love yourself, better than anyone else could. It really isn’t until we are happy with ourselves and content being alone that we are really in a good position to try and be with someone else anyway. Or so they say! My kids were just with their dad and I relished the alone-time. I am curious to see if eventually I won’t like it, but for now I just soak it up. Sounds like you were doing the same. One day at a time!

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    • janieleeds says:

      One day at a time…yes! Thanks for stopping by. It’s amazing how life changes afterwards and while it took some getting used to being alone, I enjoy it from time to time. It’s like I have no responsibilities while they’re gone.

      Liked by 1 person

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