I was sipping my coffee when I decided to open the computer and saw the date. It’s my wedding unanniversary. I’ll admit I was dumbstruck for a moment. Because today felt different. I am at peace. I think that’s the difference. It’s serenely quiet at my home with the kids and dog away with the ex and the ex’s girlfriend. It’s a strange feeling when usually my home is bustling and I’ll admit that last night it felt too quiet.
But this morning I’m thinking about what I can do today and for the next few days before they return. How I can do things to keep myself busy: like go get my car washed, wash the comforter on my bed, organize and straighten up the house, Last night I treated myself to dinner delivered. It was so lovely! No pots nor pans to clean up – it felt divine!
I talked with the kids while they were in the car with the ex’s GF who was driving my son’s car on their way to see their dad. My kids are very sweet and nice to her (and vice versa) so I thanked her for sharing the driving because they were in high traffic areas which my kids aren’t used to and also so there would be some form of communication between us. Because who knows if what he’s setting up is an engagement considering the supreme efforts he’s making to have them drive down together to see him. One never knows with a narc.
And how would I feel if that were to happen? Well, I don’t want him anymore so that’s not the issue. What would be the issue is the insecurity I’d feel that he was engaged while I haven’t found anyone since the divorce. And yet, I haven’t really been looking as I’ve been healing from the traumas I’ve experienced.
I think what bothers me most is this: he’s still got his parents/family and when the GF and my kids and he are together, he’s making a new family and I’m alone. That’s the crux of it.
One more layer released. I think I’ll go make my to do list….