When The Narcissist Says Don’t Cheat

The ex began to tell me, “If you’re going to cheat, leave before you cheat, as it’s disrespectful.” In my mind this came out of nowhere as I would never cheat. I couldn’t understand his sudden obsession with saying this line. I was baffled and confused.

Why would he say those things to me when I would never cheat?

Heck, I didn’t have time to cheat. I didn’t do girls night out. I was a Mom/Wife full time. Every once in awhile I met friends for lunch, but they were all married and part of our friend group. Seriously, when was I going to meet someone and start something like cheating? I was still in love with him…

Foolish girl…it was HE who was cheating..setting me up for when he suddenly left. Leaving clues that this clueless girl wasn’t ready to read, look at, nor process without hindsight and a good dose of narc research. But once I did? All the pieces fell into place.

The phone number on a post-it in his wallet that I found when he told me to get a $20 out for the kids to pay for something. When confronted, he said it was work. “See, it’s on a post-it!” as if that validated it. I have wondered if he knew it was in there and set me up to find it for his own amusement…

The sudden late nights at the office. “We have a deadline, due to go out in the morning and everything has to be perfect. There’s a team here and we’ll be working all night on it.” Ok, in his previous jobs these happened very occasionally, but suddenly it was every weekend. When confronted, he got mad.

But idiot me? I was staying up waiting for him because I felt badly that he was “working” and would call around 3am to check in on him. At first he would answer, then after a few of these ‘late nights’ he wouldn’t answer and that’s when I knew…suspected…began to imagine…

I had always thought of him as a man of his word. At least to me. I’d seen him lie to others often, exaggerating big deals, but never lie to me. And now I know, he lied to me the most. Or better said, he lied to himself the most…

I look back now and wonder how I had convinced myself that he was a good man. But remember, I had his narcissist mother and he working together in cahoots! She wanted her baby to be happy at all costs. I do not know if she ever knew about the cheating, but she has twisted so many lies to become like truths over the years that I am sure she would justify it if she knew.

That’s the way narcissists are…the rules they lay out for you don’t apply to them. Far be it for you to remind them of the rules…because they’ll conveniently add a loop hole for themselves. And if you’re blindly in love with them, you won’t see the full scope of what’s happening until it’s too late.

Eyes wide open…if it looks or smells like cheating, it probably is…

Narcissists don’t change.

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8 Responses to When The Narcissist Says Don’t Cheat

  1. No they don’t. Narcissists are so hard to live with and escape from.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ... says:

    I hope you find a guy who will treat you with love and respect. I have also been cheated on. Hope you have a merry Christmas.


  3. hbsuefred says:

    I think both of us need to do the same thing, you with your narc ex and me with my idiot alcoholic serial mongamist ex. However, as I assured my daughter this morning, moving on from and letting go of the past are easier said than done. Ironically, I just saw a feature on Idina Menzel on the Today Show this morning. I used to be better at applying the thoughts of her song Let It Go. I guess I can try to make this my motto and better implement it in 2023. Note the lack of enthusiasm here?


    • janieleeds says:

      Let it go…best line yet! I see/hear you lack of enthusaism and will gently remind you…you are letting him rent space in your head for free…does that help you to let go when you shift your mindset? πŸ™‚ Sending hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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