Baby, Hold My Hand

babyholdmyhand

I was talking with a friend this morning and I said to her, I just really want someone to hold my hand and say, Baby, I got this for a little while.  Maybe even let me curl up in his lap for a bit, heck even 20 minutes, while I rest my weary head on his broad shoulders and nestle into his chest and let all the worries and the burdens I carry be away from me for awhile.

Great image, don’t you think?

I’m not even going so far as to say he should look like Clooney or a young Robert Redford, although that might lead to something else that I wouldn’t necessarily putting out there on the blog (wink wink).  Yes, in my dreams! LOL

But I just want someone kind, loving and brave to hold me for a bit to keep all the demons away for awhile.  I’m tired of holding it all together like a big girl, a responsible parent and caretaker and a woman of the world. (ahem, that’s how I see myself at this moment, but no necessarily the truth! ha ha).

I’m not even looking for him to whisk me away and make me his Princess although I wouldn’t object if he did!  I just want a little rest.  I want stuff that I’m carrying to be put on hold, on someone else’s shoulders for awhile, and I’m even desperately only asking for 20 minutes.  How utterly sad and pathetic.

I miss who my husband once was to me and my kids.  I miss the comfort of knowing he was there to hold my hand or hold me for a bit when life was hard.  Don’t get me wrong, the man who I divorced is not that man anymore.  I don’t know who my Ex is now and any shred of the husband I once had is long gone, so I’m not missing that anymore.  I don’t want him back, so even if Ex came back and said baby, hold my hand, I’d decline.

I was reading a romance book which had a rent a hottie character in it.  You know, like the movie, The Wedding Date?  Total fluff book, but a good distraction.  I was thinking, if you could rent a date, how about renting a chest to lay your head on, no strings attached?  I’m not looking for sex right now though.  I’m just looking for connection, kindness, and peace.  After 20+ years with the same man in bed, I’m not quite ready to imagine all out sex with someone else even though, I will be truthful, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two thousand! LOL  But right now, I just want a friend to hold my hand.

I have good friends to talk with, but having been married for a long time, not that many guy friends.  I cocooned myself after he left so I didn’t get out there to meet others.  Trust was a big issue and since there was other stuff going on in my life at that time too, I didn’t have the energy to go on and get out there like so many friends advised.

I’m not a clingy girl.  I just want someone to hold me for a bit.  Does anyone know of a rent a kind-hearted man?  Because that’s what I’m looking for today.

Has anyone else felt this way?

 

 

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Posted in 50 years old, divorce, love | Tagged , , , , | 27 Comments

Tame Jane

Tame

name

blame

same

came

fame

pain

sane

plain

Jane.

I became Janie when he left.  Resurrecting the woman I once was before marriage, before children, before losing myself in him.  The woman who stood strong and firm.  The one who didn’t scurry behind him, worrying that I wasn’t making everything as he wanted it to be.  The subservient partner who catered to the breadwinner and left her own needs and wants out of sight.  The woman who bowed to his family, ever trying to please them, allowing herself to be controlled by lies.

Jane:  the woman who let herself fall into a pattern of being tame.

Janie is who I truly am. 

Vulnerable, kind, loving, caring and happily healed.  I wear my heart on my sleeve for those who deserve my loyalty because we care.  I know I am a good person who takes the high road most times and I happily release Jane who desperately tried to please at all times even when she was wounded.  Janie loves life, loves animals, loves her kids and loves family and friends.

Most of all, Janie loves herself now. 

Big difference from Jane.  Janie smiles at passerby with true mirth in her eyes.  She finds joy wherever she goes and isn’t afraid to laugh out-loud, to connect with people or to spontaneously hug someone.  She’s an open book, knowing pain, but using her experiences to help others.

Janie’s a good girl at heart and so was Jane.  That piece of me I cannot change for it is innate.  I love with all of my heart and I don’t give up on people.  I am ever hopeful that others will see the bigger picture and change their thinking, but it matters not to me anymore.  Gone is the Jane who desperately tried to make her Ex see her or the kids.

Janie is happily healed, does her own thing and awaits the time that will come when she can share her life again.  In the meantime, Janie is happily home and mom to her kids.  All will unfold as it should.

I am Janie now. 

Holding my head up, smiling from ear to ear and loving this little life of mine.

The Daily Post – Tame

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What I Believe

whatibelieve

I believe:

in love, even though I’m divorced.

I believe in fairy tales and wearing rose-colored glasses sometimes.

I believe that a heartfelt embrace means more than a thousand thoughtless words.

I believe:

in grieving, sobbing and crying when I feel pain.

I believe in holding on and letting go.

I believe in being open-hearted and talking it through.

I believe in processing grief and not stuffing it down, never to be released.

I believe:

in happy coincidences, synchronicity and a hopeful outcome.

I believe in the good in people (for the most part)

and in listening with an open heart when someone shares their feelings.

I believe:

spiritual growth comes from difficult experiences.

Hindsight is 20/20 (most of the time).

I believe that relationships are on a time line, here for a season or a lifetime,

depending on their purpose.

I believe:

we are more than who we think we are.

Self-sabotage is real.

All you need is someone to believe in you and you can move mountains.

I believe that we limit ourselves more than necessary out of fear.

I believe:

music can heal.

Love is real.

Lust is healthy.

We all die when we are supposed to, even if that doesn’t make any sense.

I believe:

in the supernatural, unexplained events and ghosts.

I believe in prayer, kindness and good deeds.

I believe in heaven and hell.

I believe in spirituality and incorporating different beliefs into my religious life.

I believe:

in my kids and in the healing pets hold for them.

I believe in the kindness of strangers.

I believe in you.

And I believe in me.

Daily Post – Believe

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Stop Dragging My Heart Around

stopdraggingmyheartaround

Tom Petty recently passed away and one of my favorite songs he played with Stevie Nicks is this one.  I like the lyrics, especially the lines below.

It’s hard to think about what you’ve wanted
It’s hard to think about what you’ve lost
This doesn’t have to be the big get even
This doesn’t have to be anything at all.

Because honestly, divorce is hard enough without the big get even.  I’ve asked myself a hundred times why we just can’t do divorce right, be kind and separate easily without meanness.  But little hurts get in the way and the stories we tell ourselves which aren’t always even true, color our vision and paint our spouse as the bad guy.

Like yesterday’s post, I think it’s all about forgiveness.  Read my blog a bit and you will find that I write about forgiveness often.  Forgive myself, forgive him, forgive the situation.  It takes a lot to forgive because we can feel not enough and that leads to pushing back on our STBX (soon-to-be-ex).  Or the opposite happens and it’s our spouse who reacts that way.

My advice to you if you’re going through a divorce – Stop Dragging Your Heart Around.  Cut the etheric cords to your spouse.  Send kindness and forgiveness to both your heart and his.  Start thinking about what you want and go for it!

If you feel like singing (and I often do), here’s the song.  Rest in Peace Tom Petty.

 

 

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, love, music | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Heart of the Matter

heartofthematter

This song popped into my head other day and it reminded me of a time when I saw a friend’s son sing this song while I sat between his mom and dad who are divorced.  At the time, I was separated from my ex-husband, but not fully divorced.  It made me cry as the words were so poignant to me.  Does this song touch you too?
I think music has a way of healing most days.  There’s something about singing a song like this when you can’t say the words to your lost love.  It’s the truth speaking about how relationships change, people divorce and all that goes into that experience.
Below are the lyrics, in case you feeling like singing along to the video below.

 

 

 

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Telling The Unpopular Truth

tellingtheunpopulartruth

I found myself in a sticky situation for which I decided to take control of recently.  I’m tired of being the one holding the unpopular truth and being stifled by people who wear blinders in order to continue to believe the truth according to my Ex.

It’s a precarious position as I know I have drawn a line in the sand now for which I won’t likely recover friendship from his family.  But I have suffered in silence long enough.  Facts speak truth so I delivered facts which were met with silence.

As much as I feel for his family with the confusion, anger and resentment they now must feel for me, and the potential hurt that may be inflicted upon me for showing them the facts to his lies, I know what I have done.  I have severed all remaining ties and I have to remain at peace with the can of worms I’ve flung free.

It’s amazing how we dupe ourselves into believing what we want to believe and not seeing the truth even when it’s presented to us.  We want to believe what we think we want to know and nothing more.

Yes the good girl in me is waffling this afternoon, but the authentic 50 year old is standing strong within me as well.  I feel badly for having delivered the unpopular truth, but I felt like the circumstances were right for the revealing of his lies.

It’s difficult to co-parent with someone who doesn’t communicate and doesn’t take care of his own finances.  On many occasions I have told his mama that he needs help, that there’s something wrong with him because he isn’t happy, he isn’t acting responsibly, but she told me he was fine.  So I stopped.  He’s her son and not my husband anymore.

So I sit in silence, wondering what their silence means and knowing that the sickening feeling in my stomach isn’t going away any time soon unless I stand strong and get back  to the authentic 50 year old state of mind where I belong.

I wish they would understand that my intention to tell the unpopular truth was to get him help in the end.  Not to hurt them, but to help him.  But the herd won’t see it that way and I knew it in my heart.  Surely, I’m being blamed here, even though I was simply the messenger.  What’s that saying, shoot the messenger?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Helping Your Kid Deal With The New Woman In Your Ex’s Life

youcantcallherabyet

I was having a conversation with one of my kids yesterday when he blithely referred to his divorced father’s girlfriend as the Bitch.   I was shocked by the word (although he’s of the age when he can curse) and I was appalled by his name calling someone who he’s only seen in the arms of his father on Facebook.  He doesn’t even know her.  He’s never met her and yet, here he was calling her the B.  Didn’t I teach him better?

I don’t know her at all.  She very well could be a B for all I know, but when I asked why he was calling her that, he said it was because she is his dad’s girlfriend.  When we explored the B word further, it was apparent that he was trying to show his loyalty to me, his mom, his father’s ex-wife, by using the derogatory word in reference to the new girlfriend.

What he didn’t expect from me was that I would launch into him and call him on the inaccurate name Bitch.

Me:  You don’t even know her, so how can you call her the B?

He:  Because she’s dad’s girlfriend.

ME:  But, we’re divorced.  He can have a girlfriend or twenty of them.  It’s his choice.

He:  But Mom, he has a girlfriend. (a little whine)

Me:  Yes he does.  Is that upsetting you? (Because duh, I knew it!)

He:  Yeah, of course it does.  Why wouldn’t it?  My dad left us and now he’s with someone else.

Me:  Honey, he didn’t leave you.  He left me.  He loves you.  This woman is with your dad because she likes him and he likes her.  Be grateful that he’s found someone to like.

He:  But Mom, you don’t have anyone. (He looked at me with quiet eyes.)

Me:  Yes, I do.  I have you and your sibling.  That’s all I need for now.  Eventually when I’m ready and you two fly the coop, I will be open to finding someone special as well.  I hope you won’t call my new friend the B too!

He:  I don’t understand you.  Why are you defending the B?

Me:  Because, she didn’t break up the marriage.  We were through long before she came into his life.  That I know for sure.  She’s not the reason we got divorced.  If she were the reason, then I would probably side with you and use the B word too.  (We both laughed.)  But she’s not.  She’s not the first friend he’s had since he left and who’s to say she won’t be the last?  Remember when you found evidence that he was sleeping with someone else?  That was long before the divorce was final.  And back then, I reminded you that everyone chooses their own way in which to act when they are separated from their spouse.  It’s call free will and they can do what they want.

He;  But you weren’t out sleeping with other people!  (His eyes got teary.)

Me:  You’re right.  I didn’t do that, but that’s my choice.  That was how I chose to live my life.  In my heart, I was still married until the ink was dry so I remained celibate.  But that’s my choice and that’s me.  I needed to put my head on the pillow at night in peace.  Everyone’s choice allows them to sleep peacefully, or not.  That’s free will.  Not everyone thinks like I do, but it doesn’t make it wrong or right.  It’s just the way it is.

He;  I can’t believe you won’t let me call her the B.

Me:  No way!  Not on my watch.  If you meet her and she acts like a B, then you’ll maybe have a leg to stand on.  But for now, you can’t refer to her as the B.

We hugged and laughed and bonded.  I feel good about what I said because honestly, I don’t know if she’s a B or not, but I don’t care as long as she’s good to my kids when she meets them, if she meets them.  And if she never meets them, then that’s fine too.

The kids and I talked about him having a girlfriend long before he told them about this one.  When my kid found the evidence when we were separated, we talked about it.  By then, I had seen the signs and knew it was a matter of time.  When they brought it up, I felt they were ready to talk about it so then when he did officially tell them that he had a girlfriend, they were able to roll with it.  (Yes, I think he should thank me for prepping the kids since he gave them no prep time, nor time to talk about the eventuality.  That was left for me to do it, as it always was.)

I didn’t do it for my Ex’s benefit.  I did it for my kids because it’s hard to see your parents divorce and then see your dad with someone else cuddled up on Facebook.  It’s jarring for a kid.  Even when so much time has gone by, it’s still shocking to them because it’s another nail in the closed coffin of possibility that parents can get back together.  And they hurt.  They resent it.  They are upset as anyone can understand.  Except maybe their dad.  But that’s why they have me to help them along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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