I Don’t Want Him Anymore But

The ex showed up this week with a new girlfriend. Took him days to make a plan with the kids, but he wanted them to meet her, so they finally met last night. Luckily, the kids said she was way better than the last girlfriend he had them meet who was full of botox and fake. So that’s good. It’s easier when the kids like the ex’s girlfriend than not. They said they thought I’d actually like her which was nice. And weird. And nice.

I saw a photo of the ex with the new girlfriend on the kids’ phone. She looks normal which is a far cry from the last one. But it’s weird to see a photo of the ex now that I haven’t seen him in person in over a year. There’s little familiar about him. The fact that he’s put on weight I know can skew the visage as well, but it’s more than that. It’s that I don’t know him anymore after all the lies and hell he put me through and really, I don’t want to know him.

But it brings up a little melancholy and loneliness. I don’t really want to be alone, but I haven’t found anyone whom I want to be with either. With Covid, it’s been hard to meet people and I haven’t even really tried. I disliked online dating when I tried it pre-Covid so what’s a girl to do?

I think it’s easier for men to find a replacement after divorce. Don’t you? What’s your take on that?

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

Saturday Giggle

This one is for the ladies. Have you heard about the TikTok kid named Whiteyy18? He’s all over TikTok lip syncing 80’s tunes with an eye roll and a wink that well, let’s just say, reminds you of being in your 20’s and the zing when a cute boy looked at you. LOL

He’s lip syncing such songs as:

Into the Night by Bennie Mardones

Leather and Lace by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley

Mandy by Barry Manilow

Betty Davis Eyes by Kim Caries

He reminds me of our heartthrobs of the 80’s, especially Rob Lowe and that look. It’s so funny. There are Cougars who are dueting the videos with him and guys our age who are trying to copy him as well. He came up on my ForYouPage and I couldn’t stop laughing.

I have to hand it to the kid as he’s become a sensation overnight. Have you seen him yet?

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Covid Confusion

Suddenly there are perks to getting vaccinated. Get a lottery ticket, a free glass of wine at a local winery, get free transportation to get your shot. Many of the mega centers are closing so you can get the vax at your local pharmacy. It seems the holdouts are getting incentives.

But please help me to understand. I am not trying to be obtuse, nor do I want to fight with anyone. I honestly see it this way and want to know what I’m missing. (Politics aside by the way as I’m not one for conspiracies.)

Vax and Unvaccinated Similarities:

  • Both can still get virus
  • Both can carry and pass along virus

Vax Pros:

  • Protects against potentially having a bad case of the virus
  • Allows you to move about unmasked in public (opening up)
  • Gives you (and those around you?) a sense of security
  • Viewed as a team player
  • No restrictions on travel nor college attendance

Vax Cons:

  • Vax protects against only one strain of the virus
  • Vax people can still get the virus
  • Vax may require future booster as more research is done
  • Unknown long term affects of Vax
  • Can still carry and pass along virus

Unvaccinated Pros:

  • Not putting Vax in body
  • No worry about any (including) longterm potential side effects of Vax (if there are any)
  • Not concerned about what’s in Vax
  • Wait time to see what future brings for those who are Vax and Unvaccinated
  • Decide for self when/if you choose to be vax

Unvaccinated Cons:

  • Not protected against virus, nor any strain of it
  • Run risk of more severe case of virus should you get it
  • Can still carry and pass along virus
  • Mask required (and honor system to wear it as you should)
  • Viewed as not a team player (feel pressured to get Vax)
  • People think you’re into conspiracy theories
  • Travel and college attendance may be restricted if you don’t have Vax

FYI: As I tried to edit this post, it kept erasing parts of it so I am just publishing with mistakes. Sorry if you see any errors.

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , | 17 Comments

Opening Up?

I’m sure you’ve heard about the CDC new ruling about vaccinated people and masks, or the unmasking thereof. While I’d like for our world to open up again, I think we’re going to have a bumpy ride as the next few months progress. Forgive me, but I don’t see this happening peacefully considering how emotions are still running high and the mandate that only those who are vaccinated can be unmasked in certain situations. But then, I guess we’re relying on the Honor System.

It bothers me because of course, there will be someone who refuses to show their vax card and I can see how that could escalate into something ugly. I don’t have a crystal ball, but there’s a lot that’s going to be sticky when it comes down to the new rules. Because how can you monitor when HIPPA laws are such that you can’t really ask, but you don’t really know if someone is telling the truth or not.

It doesn’t matter to me at this point. I’m masked when I go out and that’s fine. I’ll continue to follow the rules as such and let’s see how it all unfolds. I don’t see how it’s going to go smoothly though.

I did go to the hardware store yesterday. On the front door the sign read “no mask no entry.” I watched a man stride across the parking lot and enter without a mask. I had mine on. We were in the same aisle a few times and still, no mask on him. And nobody stopped him. At one point his phone was ringing in his pocket. The ringtone sounded like a pained yowling animal which continued for quite awhile. At first I thought there was a wounded animal in the store. I turned to look at him and yes, I caught myself staring at him. He took the phone out of his pocket, looked at it and then returned it to his shorts. And then we stared at each other for a minute or two until I looked away, back to the shelves in front of me.

It was so bizarre. I got that feeling that he was not someone to mess with (not that I would have called him out on not wearing a mask because I wasn’t near him, nor do I work at the store). That’s not my business. And really, he seemed off somehow and I know better than to poke what looks like an angry bear. Nope. I don’t need to get into an altercation over a mask when he’s 20 feet away from me. I kept my distance and once he left, then I went up to the counter to pay. All the rest of the people in the store were wearing masks, including the young clerk.

I was mentioning this story to a friend and saying that I wouldn’t have said anything to him about not wearing a mask in the store because it’s not my store and he seemed off somehow. Like he was ready to fight the person who questioned him and it wasn’t going to be me. But it brought up those feelings of how many times I have chosen silence over potential conflict because I didn’t trust the other person’s energy.

Has this happened to you?

Posted in Covid-19 Virus, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Releasing Stuff

I’ve started spring cleaning. Yes, I know I’m a bit late in doing it, but I’m one of those who have to start when I’m motivated and not before. Otherwise I can’t get it done. Are you like that too?

But the spring cleaning doesn’t have to do with any scrubbing (although that’s next)! It has to do with paring down my life. I’ve had a hard time letting go of the thoughts of ‘what it should have been’ and ‘what it used to be’ and ‘what it could have been’ for so long that I realized that these thoughts about life stymied me.

Additionally, I started going through my household items, clothing, shoes and tchotchkes and Marie Kondo-ing my universe. You know who she is, right? The one that organizes and wants you to ask yourself ‘if this item sparks joy’ in order to keep it.

Personally, it takes me WAYYYY out of my comfort zone. Because I don’t think of things as eliciting joy. I think of them as sweet memories. Talismans if you will. Snippets of time that I can hold onto by holding on to the item.

Example: I wore this when we went there and that was the great night that xyz happened. Or Aunt Sally gave me this when I was ten and told me that it was her favorite bracelet and that I should keep it to remember her by. (Note Sally’s been dead for over 40 years and I never wear the bracelet). But how do I get rid of these things?

But I’m learning. Growing. And doing it, with baby steps. Totally outside my comfort zone. Because in some way I feel like I’m losing a part of me by releasing the stuff. I know that sounds probably very odd to you, but it’s how I feel.

Does anyone else understand this?

P.S. And no, I still don’t have my wedding dress. That I donated to my high school as a costume for the play many many years ago and funny enough, that wasn’t hard to do.

Posted in finding happiness at 50, inspiration | Tagged , , , | 16 Comments

New Moon New Rules

Did you know that there’s a new moon? Yes, Wednesday the new moon in Taurus arrived. It’s a mindful moon, one where we can manifest our desires and get clear on our intentions.

You know I’ve been struggling with the whole Gen X rules and feeling that spark to begin again, so this makes perfect sense to me. And while I mentioned I was raised Catholic in an earlier post, and I do believe in God, in the power of prayer, I do not even identify as a non-practicing Catholic anymore. I’m just me – spiritual Janie. But that’s a post for another day.

I sat down last night with a clean slate and darkened sky, full of hope and renewal with pad and pen to allow the thoughts to flow as to what I wanted in my life. And the funny thing was that much of what I wanted is here even though it’s in a different form than the Gen X rules that are still ingrained in me. How’s that for a laugh?

But exploration of this new chapter in my life is calling so I’m not just sitting on my laurels (another Gen X no-no) and doing nothing about it. And I don’t want to really plan it out either because I feel I’ll be missing out on other opportunities and possibilities and limiting what could evolve. So I think I have to find my way, slowly but surely.

  1. Eliminate the voice in my head as to what’s acceptable and what’s not (according to parental GenX rules)
  2. Release the fear that people will talk about me because they already do. Ha!
  3. Embrace the goodness within and strive to help more people.
  4. Be more accepting of my kids’ independent choices and erase the ‘but you should’ from my vocabulary. I know I have passed along the Gen X rules to them and the ex and his family are even more entrenched in that cemented ingrained thought process and it’s put a huge strain on all of us.
  5. Rise above the melee in my mind as to all of it.
  6. Concentrate on my kids and me and allow the freedom to be me out there instead of just here on the blog and with close friends.
  7. Me is just authentically Janie – a work in progress – hoping to support and be supported by kind, caring people. I love sharing in hopes that perhaps my experience will help someone else and I know I’ve been helped by all of you when you share your wisdom with me.
  8. Live my best life in a peaceful, kind manner.

How about you? What would you like to manifest?

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments

My Gen X Truths Have Crumbled

I’m in my 50’s (hence the blog name) and I’m a part of Gen X. Are you? Today I want to chat about how what I was taught that was important seems to have gone by the wayside and how I feel about it.

And I’d love to hear what you think, so feel free to comment below!

Growing up for me, it was work hard, be a good person and go to school. There was no question that I had to finish college and get my degree. Once I did that, it was get a job within 2 weeks of graduation and I did. Work hard. Move up the ladder. Make sacrifices that will hopefully pay off down the road. And I did it all without question because it was how it was in our home. What was expected and nothing less was tolerated.

Date. Find a good man who has a future whom you love. Marry. Buy a house. Have children. Stay home to raise them while he works. You (women) are to take care of everybody and everything because he’s working (and even when I worked I was still expected to do it).

Raise good kids who get good grades and are into sports. They have to be productive and community service oriented. Raise them Catholic so they learn religion and discipline. No hanky panky kids. Don’t get into trouble at school. No drugs, no drinking, no bad grades, otherwise it reflects badly on the parents (especially Mom).

And as the kids get older, put some money away for a vacation/retirement home so that you can enjoy yourselves once the kids graduate from college. Make sure they get their degrees because they need them for work. If they don’t get their degrees and good paying jobs, it looks bad on you (the mom) because you were home with them.

Well…it didn’t turn out as planned, did it? Divorced. Kids live with me. One has graduated college, but is delivering pizzas because he can’t find a job. The other one made it through a few college semesters and now is a stock boy at a grocery store and says he might go back to college, but isn’t sure.

However, on a side note, they’re good people. Because once we divorced and I got back on my feet, I parented them differently. I’ve blogged about it before. Not that we’re on equal footing here, because I’m still Queen Mum Janie, but my sons and I work together as a tribunal when something goes awry.

Life didn’t turn out as I planned, nor how it was supposed to be according to my parents and the generational rules which I was raised on. Tomorrow is part 2. I’d love to hear what your rules were…

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Fear

Last night the fear had me in its talons. Locked in a cage, cemented by the endless horrific lists of ‘what if’s’ that stealthily swirled in my brain. So much uncertainty lately with outside forces that make life harder than normal to succeed. And I succumbed.

What do I have to fear? Financial insecurity. Deadbeat Dad who writes mean email responses essentially cutting me off at the knees with his narcissist sword. Worries about where we are going to live since the landlords want to flip and sell where we’re renting. Endless web searches to no availability (or too darn expensive) rentals or even house buying in my low budget price range had me practically hyperventliating even though I have supposedly until December. I’m a planner. Can’t you tell?

Then there’s the national news about the gas pipeline, the financial state of our nation and yesterday I signed off on my taxes only to owe again which I completely don’t understand.

And don’t forget this freaking virus and pandemic. I haven’t had the shot and I don’t want it. But everyone’s insisting. I don’t have time to be laid low for 2 or 3 days possibly. And I’m not sure I really trust the whole thing. I’d like to wait a bit. I had thought of getting the J&J but then that whole thing about the blood clots came up in women my age. I don’t have enough information on any of them to make a good decision and I don’t have the interest, nor attention span to research. So I’m just being careful. And worrying…

I’m tired of shouldering everything on my own. I want someone to just walk with me for awhile. Someone whom I could trust. I’d like to lay my burdens down and nap.

And the grocery store prices are increasing. Have you noticed? Gas prices have gone up too. I am feeling the financial squeeze like a python around my neck. And I hate it. I’m stymied. Feeling stuck, but there’s that piece of me that knows I’m responsible for my kids and me so I have to get it together. Figure it out. Find a solution.

Kick the fear to the curb. But it’s not budging.

Thanks for listening. I can’t be the only one feeling this, can I?

Posted in divorce, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , , , , | 25 Comments

Happy Mother’s Day

This post goes out to all of you who celebrate or are celebrated on Mother’s Day. I hope that you have a peaceful day filled with love, laughter and hugs. I know we’re all on different paths, but I want you to know that I see you. I celebrate you. And I’m sending you a hug because I’m a hugger and sometimes we just need a hug.

Being a Mom isn’t easy. For as many books as we may have read, we’ll never do this very important job perfectly, no matter how hard we’ve tried. We’ll put our hearts and souls into doing our very best, but remember. We’re human. We make mistakes. We get tired and frustrated and sad. But what I’ve seen from all the Moms I know is that we keep getting back up. We may fall down, but we try again. And we’re so critical of ourselves when things don’t go well for us, for the kids, for our lives. And we don’t have to be.

But then again, we get back up. You can’t hold us down for long because in our minds and hearts, we’re responsible for our kids and we want them to have the best we can give to them and in giving them the best of ourselves, we hope to role model tenacity, resilience, love.

So today, may all the Moms unite and be grateful for what and who we have in this very moment. Count your blessings. Reach out to others who may need a little extra love today. Sometimes motherhood needs a village of friendship to make it through the day.

Sending hugs.

Posted in finding happiness at 50, inspiration, love | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments