Have You Taken An Uber?

The other night I took an Uber ride from a friend’s house back to mine.  I don’t have the app nor had I tried it before, but because we had enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and dinner, neither of us were in a position to drive.  I don’t drive after one glass of wine, even with dinner so when I chose to have the second glass, I knew that I was either staying over in her guest room or finding a ride home.  She assured me that she has used Uber before with success so I tried not to worry.

And it worked out fine for me.  I guess I have to get with the times because I know a lot of people who use it when they’re going out with friends to dinner so that nobody has to worry about drinking and driving.  It’s become commonplace.  My brother’s kids use it to get around town when they need a ride and there’s not someone to take them to practice etc.

But there’s that part of me that, maybe because of my age, I’m timid about getting a ride from a stranger to my home.  I know that it’s all the rage, but I think I’d feel better in a cab.  Because it’s a service vehicle and not someone’s personal car.  While it worked out well for me that night, there have been some instances when it didn’t.

Like that girl from USC who thought she was getting in the Uber and instead, got into a stranger’s car with the child roof locks enabled in the backseat and was murdered recently.  With all the technology today, you’d think that it would be safe.  You can see when and how the Uber driver is arriving on the app.  You know his name and vehicle and you think you’re safe.  But maybe not?  At least in her case, it wasn’t, which breaks my heart.

Have you had any experience with Uber?  I remember when I first heard about it years ago.  People would tell me to use Lyft because they did background checks, but the Uber driver I had recently told me that Uber does that too.  But still…I have a tough time trusting.

Do you recall the days when you weren’t supposed to talk with strangers, let alone get into their cars???  Modern technology and the times, they are a’changing for sure.

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, women 50 | Tagged , , , , , | 31 Comments

You Can’t Bully Me Anymore

Ex-wife of a narcissist.  Primary full custody of kids.  Ex husband ignores everyone and everything.  Rules do not apply to him.  And yet, he still thinks that what he demands is to be obeyed by me.  Um…No.

You can’t bully me anymore.

Suddenly he wants information from me.  He even called me, but didn’t leave a message.  He probably doesn’t want his voice on tape.  Sorry, I only respond to messages.  I don’t respond to missed calls.  Sometimes people need a dose of their own medicine, although I do know that this is un-chartered territory for me and he will somehow in his head make me pay for my insolence in not answering him.

I do get that hiccup of dread when I think about it.  Yes, I still do because I’m not fully healed from him I guess.  I can be triggered emotionally, but I’ve learned to reach out to a trusted  friend who understands before taking any action.

It’s a process, but I’m standing up for myself.  Yay Janie!

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , | 22 Comments

I’m Blaming It On The Woo Woo

It’s been rough here lately which is why I haven’t been online.  My computer decided to act wacky so I’ve been deluging it with anti-virus programs which then messed up the websites, emails and even netflix.  It’s not been joyous here.  But I think finally I’ve gotten it working again, no thanks to Mercury Retrograde nor the full moon.

Still, I’m feeling depleted by the energetic moon, planet realignments etc.  Perhaps you think I’m loony in writing this, but I assure you, I’m not.  Many of my friends who are sensitives are feeling it too.  A general malaise and trouble sleeping due to the stresses I’m under at this time are making me feel sick to my stomach and causing migraines.

Taking back the ex to court weighs heavily on my mind along with still single parenting two college kids who are having anxiety issues.  Add in I had to call pest control this morning because there are mice in my walls – I can clearly hear them scratching in one area – blech!  I’m just feeling worn out these days.

So in case you’ve been wondering what’s going on with me, here it is.  One highlight though is that there have been moments of inspiration that have led me to start writing what I think may be an online course or perhaps a book.  Who knows?

There are so many people out there who are feeling lost and I’d like to help.  Divorce and single parenting isn’t easy to navigate alone.  I know that from experience.  I think all this woo woo is giving me even more intuition and inspiration as it flows.

I know this post is all over the place, but thanks for reading.  I’ve missed reading your posts and hope to catch up sooner rather than later.  I’m sending you all a hug.  Are you feeling the woo woo too?

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Monday Blues

Being a single parent, ex-wife of a narcissist who’s not paying what’s legally owed me and raising two college kids with anxiety on my own is hard.  My story isn’t unusual, but sometimes it feels harder to deal with than normal.  And today’s one of those days.

I feel teary.  I have the Monday Blues.  I have so much paperwork and I feel like I’m drowning in debt.  I have zero energy to deal with all the issues that emails and the post office are bringing me today.  I just want to run away and hide under the covers.  I’m not even answering the phone, unless it’s my divorce lawyer who’s evading me because I need answers that he probably doesn’t have.

My kids are both home which is great!  But there’s a big storm brewing with their dad who’s battling cancer and his family (particularly his narcissist overbearing mother) and so my kids are dealing with hurts that I can’t fix.  I hate when my kids are suffering.  And as much as I appreciate they trust in me enough to share what’s going on, I feel like I’m powerless to do more than listen and advise as best I can.  And I hate that feeling of not being able to fix things for them since they don’t deserve this narcissistic abuse.  Nobody does.

I read that astrologically there’s Mercury Retrograde and some Pisces moon thing going on.  Maybe that’s what’s bringing me down along with all the stressors.  I’m just sad today.  The world’s on my shoulders and I need a miracle.  Anyone have a spare to lend me today?



Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Listen To Your Kids

I’ve been known to go off on a tangent talking with my kids – sometimes it might have even been lecturing in hopes that I could ward off any hard lessons they could encounter by being a proactive parent.  But that doesn’t always work.  Just because we parents have learned the ‘hard way’ and don’t want our kids to follow suit, it doesn’t matter.  We all have to learn our life lessons how we choose.

Sometimes you just have to learn the hard way and that’s ok even though I would have given my eyeteeth to prevent it for my kids.  But I’ve learned my lesson, the hard way, that I have to let them have their own lives and choose their decisions.  I can advise.  I can give examples.  I can role model.  I can help and…

I can listen.  But this is their life.

Listening is a lost art-form in parenting.  My parents didn’t listen to me, (generational thing?)  but I do my best to listen to my kids.  And lucky for me, they do share some things once I learned to shut my mouth and listen.

When given the safe feeling to share, kids can explain their amazing thought processes.  While those ideas may not be yours as a parent, I have often found the conclusions they’ve made in certain situations or beliefs that they hold, super interesting.  While sometimes they are hard for me to grasp, I’m grateful that my kids will explain when I ask for further detail.  We usually have a good share and will patiently listen to each other’s views and ask questions that are pertinent.

What it does more than that though is this:

It gives sacred space to feel protected while sharing which is priceless in any relationship.

Listening isn’t for the faint of heart though as sometimes we get more information than we bargained for, but that connection is crucial in parenting!  So keep listening!  And learn to keep a straight face!

Posted in divorce, love | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

When Men Get Divorced, Why Do They Stop Paying?

Many women complain that men, after they get divorced, stop paying financially and also emotionally for their kids.  It’s like once they’re liberated from their family unit, they cut the ties irrevocably.  Maybe it’s guilt that disconnects them because they feel badly that they have chosen to leave.  Maybe it’s narcissism.  Maybe it’s depression?  Maybe the ex-wife and kids are the reminder of the failure of the marriage?  His failure as a husband?  What is it?  Do you know?  Can you shed some light on this subject for me?

And I’m not saying that all men do this, but many women have found similar issues after divorce.  Many men seem to move on quickly and find new loves, new families, make new children and leave the ‘failure’ behind them.

While I understand why they cut the ties with their wives, I don’t understand leaving their offspring.  Certainly in this day and age, children have learned that they are the collateral damage in a divorce and that the break up is between the parents.  So that leaves an open door for the dads to continue to be in their lives.  Speaking for myself, I welcomed my former husband’s interaction with our kids because they needed it.  Time and again I told them all that they all needed each other and that they loved their dad and he loved them.  And I still believe it on some soul level.  But their dad’s actions are hollow, inconsistent and sometimes downright hurtful.  And our kids suffer for it.

I dislike the phrase ‘deadbeat dad’ but for me, it’s not just the shirking of the financial responsibilities legally binding him, but also the disconnection to our kids.  It’s like he doesn’t exist in their daily lives.  He’s a memory and like a bad penny, shows up occasionally wanting attention, but when the kids reach out to him, they’re met with silence.  It’s on his terms only.  I guess that’s the narcissist way and the fallout is from that, but it makes it harder on my kids.  And I hate that.

I understand why a divorced man doesn’t want to pay his ex-wife and resists it.  The marriage is over and he feels no obligation to her.  Ok.  I don’t like that attitude, but I can try to see that point of view.  But to not pay the required financial responsibilities for your kids?  It doesn’t make any sense to me.  Sincerely.  I wish someone could please explain that mentality to me.

Can anyone give me the reason?  Please?  Because I want to understand it.  Thanks.

Posted in divorce | Tagged , , , , , | 10 Comments

Why Do We Beat Ourselves Up As Single Parents?

A sweet friend’s comment on yesterday’s blog sparked this post (thanks Elaine).  Is it just me or do all of us struggle with parenting?  I think it’s universal, but also I think that when the kids are having difficulties (bullying, anxiety, depression, fallout from their parents’ (our) divorces, etc) we are even harder on ourselves.  We beat ourselves up trying to find a way to make things better.  We can find fault in whatever we say/do that doesn’t work.  We carry the guilt of not being perfect.  We strive to have our kids enjoy a childhood free from stress/worry/anxiety/depression etc and neglect ourselves.  We forget when we’re mired in the mess of life that we have done things right in the past.  We only concentrate on what’s wrong and not what’s right.

Why, oh why do we do this to ourselves?  Because this suffering that we are experiencing isn’t fun, nor healthy for us, nor for the kids.  That I know, but it seems like it begins a vicious cycle that we have to stop.  I just don’t know how yet.  Do you?

When I get out of my own head and am feeling loved by a caring friend’s comment (again thanks Elaine), I can see the bigger picture.  I can be more of an observer in this scenario going on in our lives.  I can forgive my own self and let go of the stress a bit.  I can allow that knowing that I am doing my best to help and the kids are doing their best under the circumstances.  I can, for a little while, be with what is at this very moment without questioning.  The key here I think is to find that place of zen more often.

Single parenting isn’t for the weak.  It strengthens us in ways that we can’t even begin to imagine.  The critical piece is that we need to avoid is that it doesn’t strengthens us into cement, unfeeling, and hard-minded.  The flip side, equally as detrimental, is that it doesn’t weaken us to the point of giving up and not being there for the kids, nor for ourselves.

My friend at 50 Shades of Brave reminded me that we need  to put our own oxygen mask on first, as per the instructions on a plane.  Self-care is important.  It’s vital to we as parents, people and as human beings.

What do you think about this topic?  Have you experienced something similar?  Feel free to chat below if you want.  We’re all here together on this life journey.  I love helpful hints and I love to hear about you too.  We’re a supportive group here.  That’s my favorite part of blogging.  So thanks for being you!

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments