I admit, yes, I’m counting the minutes now

I’ve got that old familiar feeling again.  So far, it’s stayed away since the start of my quitting Sunday night, but I can feel the energy rising.  That feeling of come on, let’s go outside for a minute and relax with a cig.  Just one, the voice taunts me.

It’s been silent for days, so why now?  What’s different?  I can’t see any difference, but it is talking loudly right now!  So here I am, typing away furiously in hopes that the urge goes away quickly.  May it slink away into the night.

But nope, it’s growling.

Nobody’s around.  Nobody will know.  You can brush your teeth and shower before anyone knows.  Just one.  Test yourself.  It’s like Satan, tempting me. WTH?

I’ve been smooth sailing for a few days.  La-Dee-Da’ing my way through the days and nights watching movies and writing and talking on the phone all a’flutter about how I haven’t had any cravings.  No cravings until now and here I was thinking that perhaps it was a spiritual gift.

Now I’m thinking that the truth is the nicotine is finally out of my body. and the body is craving another hit.  I have a bad taste in my mouth and I feel like I could devour a giant pint of ice cream filled with chocolate chips and all sorts of sweets and carbohydrates!

I. Must. Resist.

Ok, so I’m drinking water because maybe my body is dehydrated and not hungry, but thirsty.  Like a 2 year old toddler who only wants candy and you give her rutabagas – the water tastes dull and isn’t at all satisfying.  In fact, my body is mad and downright disgusted by the disrespectful way I’m giving it water instead of a well-deserved rest with smoke and maybe a cup of coffee with extra mocha creamer.  Oh, that sounds so great!!  But no!

I. Am. Still. Resisting.

Have you ever quit smoking cold turkey?  Did you feel this way too?  I’ve even tried doing some work in the house, getting my mind off the desire, but no such luck.  The voice is LOUD.

This sucks.  I can smell a cigarette from here even though I don’t have any burning nor nearby.  Is my mind playing tricks on me?  Nobody here smokes but me and I’m not smoking.

A telemarketer called and I answered.  Ok, forgive me, but it got me off the scent and kept my mind busy while I chattered gibberish to one of those robocalls until it hung up on me!  LOL

Urge released.  Back to LaLaLand for a bit more until the next wave comes I guess.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Posted in 50 years old, addiction, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, women 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Uncompromising Doesn’t Mean B*tch

I compromised my whole life.  I put myself last on the list for ages, in many situations.  I did what I felt was right by putting others first.  I lost sight of myself because of my decisions.  While I won’t lament that I did what I did, I’m in a new place now.  I feel stronger and when I don’t feel something resonate with me, I will be uncompromising.  Not in a push – pull sort of way, but in a clear-eyed way of following my heart.

I think I’m growing up finally! LOL

It’s Day 4 by the way and no slip ups – still smoke free!  It’s amazing to me as I KNOW it wasn’t this easy the last few times I tried to quit.  It was a battle of wills between me and the cigarette which tempted me all day long.  This time, it’s so much different that I feel like there’s some spiritual help here.  Could it be?

I’m finding my eyes are more sparkly – perhaps there’s a bit of hope dancing in them?  I think that the guilt of smoking and being so smelly and ashamed is lifting.  I went to the dentist yesterday and vowed to start whitening my teeth – here I come Crest White Strips!  Has anyone used them with success?  Please let me know!

I have this strong desire to start doing things for me.  I figure with the money I’m saving from my cig habit, I will have enough to do a few things for me – like whiten my teeth, get some new makeup that makes me feel good, etc.  Tomorrow I’m getting my hair done and scheduled a manicure.  I can’t tell you the last time I indulged in a manicure!  That will be a treat for me! 🙂

I haven’t been back to CrossFit though, which is bad.  But I will start again next week.  I just wasn’t feeling it this week.  I know, excuses, excuses…but one thing at a time!  And this new milestone is huge!

Hey, I just saw it’s International Women’s Day!  Congrats to all the women out there!  We rock!  (Did I just hear some of you guys snicker?  Isn’t there an International Men’s Day too?  Why not?)

UPDATE:  I found out that International Men’s Day is November 19th this year!




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I Quit Again

So I had a really good weekend which I haven’t been able to say for awhile.  I went to a friend’s house who lives on the beach and spent the night on Saturday night.  We had dinner, drank wine, watched movies, laughed and talked and had a girl’s night in.  It was so much fun!  We bonded over our divorces which helped and because she smokes too, there was none of that guilt when you’re with someone else doesn’t.

But on Sunday afternoon, the thought came to me to quit Monday so here I am – I’ve quit again but this time, I feel differently.  Last time, I felt like I was guilty and had to do it because others felt I should.  This time, I feel like I want to detox my life.

So I had my ‘last’ one Sunday night along with a glass of wine while talking on the phone with a friend.  I threw out the empty pack and went to bed.  Resigned to stay smoke free.  So, yesterday morning, I just kept myself busy in the house so that I didn’t go outside like I usually do with my coffee in the early morning.  I made it through the whole day without feeling the urge to light up.  So I know this time is different because all of the other times, I was aching to smoke.  What’s the difference this time?  Deep inside, it resonated with me to quit and I wasn’t doing it for someone else.  I am doing it for me!

So far, I am quitting cold turkey, but I did invest in those patches in case I need them.  So far, no patch.  Just doing it old school – no more smoking.  End of story.

Wish me luck!  Today’s Day 2 and still smoke free without urge.  So bizarre!  But I’m excited!  I hope you have a great day!  Thanks for reading.


Posted in addiction, divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, women 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Is This What We Signed Up For?


I have asked myself that question repeatedly over the years.  Did I really sign up for this crazy?  The narcissist relationships that have me bugging out with insomnia?  I’m a fixer by nature and over the years, I repeatedly put myself last and others first.  So when someone else had needs/wants, mine went by the wayside.

That was mistake one.  It was a childhood role that developed due to my family, but stayed with me.  It was a belief I held staunchly as I thought that was part of being a good person.  I’ve learned that it’s been detrimental to me and spiritually, probably a little ego driven as well, as it developed.  I mean, there’s that satisfaction that you’re making things good for everyone around you, but not if your needs aren’t being met.  I was so fully engaged in making life good for everyone else that I lost sight of what I wanted/needed.  I lost myself in the process of trying to be the good wife, the good mom, the good everything to everyone with whom I had a relationship.  You know, the good girl syndrome.

Through the experience of divorce, I realized that it’s not my entire responsibility to make others happy and to lose sight of my own needs.  The fact is, that we need to be our own advocate first (not selfishly mind you), but to proverbially put our own oxygen mask on first and then help others do the same.  You know that line from when we fly, right?

I lost a lot of self-worth when my ex left because I couldn’t help him to be happy and I couldn’t fix our marriage all by myself because, it takes two people to make or break a relationship.  However, time heals, offers us peace and it also lets us see the past in a clear way.

But back to the original question(s):  Did I really sign up for this life situation?  Did I agree to all of the narcissists in my life teaching me to deal with all the crazy I’ve experienced through toxic relationships?  Did I lose sight of myself?  Did I think that being the good girl all the time, in all ways, was how I was to live my life?  Did I neglect me by trying to please the narcissists?

Answer:  Yup.  I think I did.  And maybe you did too.

Because it’s a challenge to find the balance in relationships.  Those that are takers to our being givers, overextend their power over us.  We can, like I did in the past, roll over and take it until we either wake up and release ourselves or are cut off by the relationship failing or divorce.

Don’t mistake me, I grieved for along time, unable to see the truth.  I held fast to it being MY FAULT ENTIRELY that he left.  And I admit, that perhaps if I had stood up on my own more instead of being intimidated by pleasing him, that we could have both been in a better place.  But now, I’ve seen that it was simply preparing me to be at peace within myself, to improve myself and to stand up for me and to concentrate on my needs without walking on eggshells in a marriage with him and his family.

And it feels good now!

So take heart if you are in a similar situation.  You’re not alone.  Many of us have walked this path and we are here to help you.  But you have to help yourself.  Take the good out of the experiences, the knowledge and the wisdom you’ve developed through these relationships and use them for your betterment and understanding.

Hold onto the nice memories and let go of the ache that comes with a broken heart.  I’m not being trite in saying this because my grieving process took me a along time to heal.  And I’m still a work in progress.

But I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of love lost, toxic relationships released and being on my own.  And guess what?  You can too!  Reach out when you need a friend.  We aren’t supposed to do this all on our own.



Posted in 50 years old, divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, love, women 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Single Parenting

It’s like I have handcuffs on even though I’m divorced.  We were supposed to co-parent, but that never happened.  It is fine because I was the parent throughout our marriage anyway.  But these days, there’s a lot going on with the kids and they could really use a father figure.  However, he’s nowhere to be found.

A few times, the old me felt that draw to call him, to reach out and say, “Hey, I know the kid has talked to you about x as well and I just wanted to talk with you too about the situation.”  I wanted to bond over the struggles our kid was having and to have us both on the same page in helping them.

But I can’t because he’s non-communicative and he’s got a mean edge to him.  There’s that piece of me though, that misses the old husband before he changed into the non-existent stranger.  I haven’t seen that man I married decades ago in a long time now though, so I think he’s now obliterated by the new persona.  But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish things could have been different – that we could have co-parented in a nice way.

I tried to meet him more than halfway on numerous occasions.  But I was met with silence, so I stopped.  However, when my kids are hurting, I want to reach into his hardened shell of a heart and revive the loving person he once was.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I don’t want him back.  Too much time and stuff has passed.  I would never go backwards in my relationship with him and honestly I’ve only held this tiny piece of hope to help my kids.  Because there’s still a strand of connection that they have with him.  And unfortunately. my financial situation depends on him still and theirs does too.

But that bond, that connection is long gone for me.  I am finally able to say I am HAPPY that I am without him in my life.  I mean no disrespect, but he wasn’t engaged in our lives anymore and it’s hard to live with someone who isn’t there, even though, physically, he was there in the home.

I guess there will always be a piece of me that is sad for how things turned out.  Sad for him, for the kids and for me.  But I’ve moved on and I have released him and embraced the freedom I now enjoy.

And so the kids and I bond on our own and I continue to comfort and to support them through their struggles.  I am home to them fortunately and there’s nothing else I’d rather be than their dependable, loving, caring Mom.

So if you’re in this situation, take heart.  Look at the big picture and leave the petty behind.  You are parent enough to be mom and dad to your kids if that’s where your loving heart invests.  Life is about allowing ourselves and others to do as seen fit.  I can’t control my ex and he’s not my responsibility any more.  So I’ll continue to do my own thing, be myself and love my kids with my whole heart.

Thanks for reading.


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Shedding Encrusted Layers


With every step out of my comfort box, I feel like I am shedding the old me.  Perhaps it’s because walking down the stairs since Monday’s first CrossFit class feels like agony.  And now that I’ve entertained at the second class (because, let’s face it – a 50 year old woman who’s never worked out really in a gym is a riot to watch!), I’m pooped.  Beyond tired.

But man oh man – I’m smiling because I feel like the encrusted layers of the old me, like scales on a dragon, are falling off.  Because I’m trying something new, something I would have never dared before when I was married.  My Ex was very fit when we were married and lifted weights etc. and spent a lot of time at the gym.

I attended a little jazzercise here and there and some circuit training (lite for women only) and that was enough for me.  So to go all out and be in a gym that looks like a mechanic’s garage (except cleaner) with all sorts of people ranging from the exceptionally muscular to little ol’ me?  Well, that’s a leap in the right direction I think!

We did what they referred to as a meathead workout today.  Like a deer caught in the headlights, I watched as people did push ups upside down against a wall with their feet sometimes touching the wall and sometimes not.  Then we lifted weights, bench press style.  I was stunned to see women who weren’t looking like Ms. Olympia, lifting gigantic weights!  Sexist I guess, but I wasn’t as surprised by the men who were able to lift even more weight.  Of course, me?  Well, it was only the 15 lb metal bar itself because I’m taking it slowly.  I got in the reps required so I feel like win – win, especially because I kept my form properly.

Lastly, I don’t even know what they called it, but essentially we raised our bodies using only our arms.  Like sitting on a couch, without the couch and holding our body weight with our hands along side of us, clutching these bars.  Well, proudly I held that stance for 20 seconds a few rounds, but after that, it was all downhill as my muscles tired.

I am sure I am going to be sore tomorrow and the next day.  Now it won’t just be my legs which are sore, it will be my upper body too.  I guess I need to stock up on Advil.  That’s what you’re supposed to take, right?  Oh and maybe a bubble bath with Epsom salts to help scrub off more of those dragon scales!  I’m embracing life’s changes!  Come join me!



Posted in 50 years old, divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, the daily post, women 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

CrossFit and Janie – A New Bond!


Hello Everyone!  I’m sorry I haven’t written in a few days, but I have been a bit busy.  READ:  I started a CrossFit class and boy am I sore!  I decided to get my body in gear finally and hopefully it will help me to quit that nasty habit which I still haven’t let go of as of yet totally.  Sigh.

I went for my free class the other day and it was interesting.  I didn’t know what to expect so I went in figuring I’d go with the flow.  I’m grateful that I hadn’t a clue as to what we were going to do, because I’d have probably not gone if I’d known prior.  It seemed like we were in constant motion for the whole hour, but I know we had a few seconds of water breaks which I needed, even if I didn’t want to drink the water, but just stand still and rest!  ha ha

Since the separation and subsequent divorce, I’ve only done some walking and not any official exercise.  I just didn’t have it in me at age 50.  So when the opportunity to take a free class came up, I decided that now’s the time and went for it.

It began with a long jog – I don’t run.  Period.  Not even for a great sale at Sak’s.  LOL  But we began the class with a short jog and after the 4th go round, I was pooped and the class hadn’t even started yet!  What had I gotten myself into?  Then we went through a series of exercises – skipping rope (hello!  I hadn’t done that since I was 8 years old!), tossing medicine balls and hanging from the rings (like gymnasts – seriously????) were on the agenda for the day.

But I can proudly say that I made it through the class AND I signed up for a month with this gym.  It was fun in the end, but I was totally out of my element.   And that honestly made it better I think.  Because I don’t expect a lot from me because it’s not what I’m used to, so it’s all new.  And that makes it less worrisome for me because I’m learning how to do different things when exercising my body.

But boy oh boy, I’m sore today!  Just taking the stairs makes my legs shimmy, but I’m liking it!  How’s that for a mind turnaround?  It feels good to know that I put my body through some paces in that class and that it’s responding with the knowledge that I didn’t overdo so I’m not necessarily in pain.  I’m just feeling the aftereffects, but in a good way.

Has anyone out there try CrossFit?  Do you like it?  They say it’s fun and that there’s never the same routine so that nobody gets bored.  I like that I will be surprised every class and not know beforehand so I can’t back out.  All the tricks I have to play in my brain in order to show up and not quit.  But I figure if I can do this 3x a week for 4 weeks, then the bad habit will also dissipate because I will want to be healthier and that will take precedence.  At least that’s my hope.

Do you exercise?  What do you do?




Posted in 50 years old, addiction, daily prompt, divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, the daily post, women 50 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments