An Exception To The Rule

Middle of the night calls are always jarring as, who calls after midnight? Unless you’re a known night owl in my life, nobody does. And when the phone does ring in the middle of the night, usually it’s not for a good reason, is it? At least in my experience, it’s never been. So when my phone rang with my kid’s ringtone at 4am, I jumped awake, adrenaline surging through my body, grabbing the phone and immediately breathlessly shouting, “Are you ok?”

Yes, I’ll admit it’s a bit dramatic, but my heart was racing and I wasn’t expecting him to be home that night. I had been in a deep sleep and why would he be calling at that hour unless he needed his mom?

Well, luckily for me, he was outside our home and had ben trying to disarm the security system, but the app wasn’t working. He said he’d been trying for a few minutes and finally gave up. He figured calling me was less upsetting than opening the door and having the alarm blare.

I was so relieved that I began laughing and couldn’t stop. Probably the release of the whoosh of energy as in my head I had been gearing up to go save him somewhere in my imagination. LOL Such is the life of a divorced mom who’s got college kids at home.

After he came in, he was wired from driving home (he’d decided not to stay at a friend’s house, preferring to sleep in his own bed), we sat down and chatted for about 40 minutes. Because, as you can imagine, I was now wide awake.

The reason I’m telling this story is because at first he thought I’d be mad, but as I explained that he just broke the rule I had in my head that no call after midnight is good news, we laughed together. He went on to tell me how the night went (he’d gone out with college friends) and how everyone was. It was a mom/son bonding time as he regaled me with stories of the evening with his friends (most of whom I know).

When he finally went to bed, he leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Mom, thanks.” I gave him a hug and asked, “For what?” He smiled and said, “For being my Mom. I love you.” A huge grin spread across my face and I just had that good Mom feeling. You know what I mean?

I wonder if he’ll remember last night some day when he’s older. Will he remember that we had some giggles in the middle of the night as he shared the fun night he’d had? While he’ll probably never know how it took me ages to fall back to sleep after being so wide awake, it was so worth it. Luckily I have all day to relax today and maybe even catch a cat nap to make up for the rather sleepless night. LOL

And that’s why I love my life. Moments like these make all the sacrifices, the worries, the being a Mom so worth it. Thanks for letting me share. Feel free to share yours as well as I’d love to hear your latest Mom or Dad moment! I know you’ve got a few!

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

A Healing Poem I Found

my brain and heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become

eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each other

now my head and heart share custody of me

I stay with my brain during the week

and my heart gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another

– instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week

and the notes they send to one another always say the same thing:

“This is all your fault”

on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down in the past

and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future

they blame each other for the state of my life

there’s been a lot of yelling – and crying

so,

lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my gut

who serves as my unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine and collapse on my gut’s plush leather chair that’s always open for me

and I just sit sit sit until the sun comes up

last evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head

I nodded

I said I didn’t know if I could live with either of them anymore

“my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow.” I lamented.

my gut squeezed my hand

“I just can’t live with the mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future.” I sighed.

my gut smiled and said:

“in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for awhile.”

I was confused – the look on my face gave it away

“If you are exhausted about your heart’s obsession with the fixed past and your mind’s focus on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs

there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now

there is only inhale

there is only exhale

there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath you can rest while your heart and head work their relationship.”

this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves

and while my heart was starting at old photographs

I packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs

before I could even knock, she opened the door with a smile and as a gust of air embraced me she said,

“what took you so long?”

  • Author: John Roedel

*I know that the capitalization isn’t correct, but I typed it as it was written.

Posted in divorce, love, poetry | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

Fighting Like High School Girls

I have some friends/acquaintances who are going at it hard, fighting on social media. It’s bizarre to me as it’s reminiscent of mean girl fights in high school which I stayed away from at all costs. Middle-aged women snapping at each other over trivial stuff is pathetic. While I have yet to unfriend/unfollow them, I am always surprised to see to what depths they are willing to fall in order to call out the other person via their minions.

Human nature often mesmerizes me, especially when I am the observer and not put directly into the fray. And yes, I’m thankful I’m not in the middle of it. I chose to walk away from what I felt was simmering awhile back because this was what I felt was coming.

It’s easy to be the observer when it’s not your business. Like that Monday morning quarterbacking phrase, right? Sure, I knew this should have been said/done or I told you this would happen. Blah blah blah…

But what still shocks me is that these two were friendly before this blew up and what they’re fighting about is my opinion is plain silliness. It’s not about the issue at hand, it’s about one’s entitlement to be heard no matter the cost. Because by their posting on social media, those not in the loop of what’s going on, just see mean posts about ‘her’ and what ‘she’ did to me or how ‘I am being spoken of badly behind my back.’ It’s just bizarre to watch and so not worth my time.

Have you ever witnessed this type of behavior? I hope you haven’t been stuck in the middle of anything similar! Isn’t it so uncomfortable when people do this, especially on social media? What has our world come to?

Do you think maybe it’s a result of what’s been going on in the world? The covid, the masks, the fear, the quarantine, the work from home, the isolation and stress has finally unglued some people?

Posted in #womenofacertainage, Untold Stories of Isolation | Tagged , | 12 Comments

Rhetoric and Agenda

I had an interesting conversation with one of my kids recently about their relationship with their dad (the ex). The rhetoric that was coming from my kid was not his own, so I knew that someone (narcissist ex-MIL?) had bent his ear about how he needed to still love and accept his dad for who he is. And I’m ok with it because their relationship is between them and not me. Also, I have always wanted them to have a healthy relationship with their dad, but it hasn’t been that way for years because the ex lies about everything! Even though the kid sees it, he has a tough time matching that version of his dad with the one he wants him to be.

But his dad lied to him about a story over the weekend. He told two completely different versions on two separate days and neither was the truth. Only partial truths. The kid realized the first version couldn’t be right (and I confirmed it) because it didn’t make any sense. The kid said he was going to ask his cousin if that was what happened, but he never did. Then Sunday, the kid came home from seeing his dad with a totally different version of the event.

I looked at my kid and reminded him of Saturday’s rendition and bluntly said that they were totally different. While the kid did admit that his dad told two totally different stories, he told me that his dad lies a lot and that he has come to realize that you can love and accept someone for who they are because it’s your dad and that you’re here because of him. The kid went on to tell me that while he understood that I have had major problems with the lies and deceit his dad has done to me, he feels that I am not being understanding of his (the kid’s) predicament and that he needs to continue the relationship with his dad as it is.

I pulled my chin off the floor because my jaw had dropped and simply said that I wanted him to be at peace with his relationship with his dad and that it was his business and not mine. I have a completely different view of his dad’s deceit and that I was simply pointing out the obvious, but that I will no longer speak about it. But I added that he needed to keep the relationship with his dad on a healthy level and not a toxic one.

Talk about drop the mic (I don’t know if that phrase works here, but it felt like it). I’m done listening to and helping to process the lies when the kids come home trying to figure out what’s the closest version of the truth from their dad.

This happens occasionally, but they always come back in a month when the lies become hurtful and sting and then they are even more upset because they’ve been super-duped into their dad’s muck of lies. It’s cyclical here. But I don’t need to be on the Merry-Go-Round anymore. This is their lesson to learn now. Their relationship to manage. Their impressionable choice to accept versions of the truth for the sake of ‘having a father’ when it’s convenient for their dad to even give them any attention.

Yes, I was a bit more than exasperated, but I’m over it. I cannot save them from learning the lessons the hard way, nor will I put my relationship with them at jeopardy when they’re obviously listening to someone else’s rhetoric who has an agenda. I have no agenda except to have them open their eyes, but apparently they’re not ready.

And it has nothing to do with me.

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

White Possum Dream

I awoke this morning and remembered my dream. It doesn’t happen often to me, but when it does, I immediately search for the meaning when it’s significant. And boy, was it significant this morning!

I was dreaming that I was with the ex, but it was a separate time, not now, because we were much younger. We were in a house and it was morning. I walked out of the bedroom and into the living area (I didn’t recognize the house, but I suppose we lived there) and saw him in the kitchen making coffee. I was looking for the cat to feed her breakfast because he didn’t like to do that, when I looked down and there was a white possum laying on the floor like the cat would do in the morning. Waiting to be pet.

I looked at the ex and asked where the cat was and if he had seen this white possum laying on the floor. He shrugged and told me not to worry about it. Just put the food out for the cat and the possum can eat too.

I couldn’t get over that he wasn’t the least bit concerned that there was a white possum laying on the floor of our livingroom and that the cat, our pet, was nowhere to be found. I remember looking at the white possum who was completely content and not aggressive at all. I decided to look for the cat as I was really upset that she wasn’t around. He turned away from me and continued to make his coffee and then I woke up.

So I was really confused because I don’t normally dream about the ex, especially not our younger selves. But lately he’s been lying so badly to the kids that it’s driving me crazy and apparently invading my sleep. I have to cut the cords that connect us because it isn’t healthy for me.

So I looked up:

Dream about White possum – it means that you do not fear anything, and you feel like everything in your life is peaceful…

Possum dream meaning is teaching you how to survive in stressful situations. Dream about possum is telling you to prepare a strategy to become successful in life or a matter of love. The meaning of this animal is helping you to understand the work of this universe and your guardian angels.

This animal will also help you in getting close to your target. The only thing that this animal is asking from you is to keep patience. You will be able to develop intelligent strategies with the help of which you will be able to overcome difficult situations of your life.

coolastro.com

Interesting, right? I am not sure if that’s true, but I’ll take it for now. Have you ever had any strange dreams that you looked up the meaning of?

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Silence Is Golden

I awoke on the couch this morning because I’m still super sick and my bedroom is just too hot to sleep in. It was so quiet this morning when I woke up, no air conditioning units humming, just the bird song from outside. And for a few minutes, I just laid there on the couch, taking in the golden silence.

Because I realized how silent I have been in my life. I thought I was taking the high road by staying silent and not speaking up. I was giving a golden gift to myself and to others by not telling them how hurt I was, but I think I was wrong. Not that there’s anything I can change now with it, but still. Probably good to know so I can evolve.

There are people I was really close to that now we really aren’t. More often it is happening to me and I see how relationships strain as we get further away from how close we once were. And while it was breaking my heart, I am working to try to find peace within because of it. We’re just on different levels of understanding, of life, of relationships, of lifestyles. And while it worked for many years, it doesn’t feel like it’s working now.

I’ve been quietly justifying the golden silence, not speaking up to how I feel because I know people are hurting lately so what reason do I have to say anything that might start to poke and prod them? Just allowing it to unfold however it may is how I justify the golden silence.

There’s a time and a place for everything and this surely isn’t either.

Have you been feeling this change in relationships as well?

Posted in #womenofacertainage, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Still Sick

I can’t believe I’m still sick. Three covid tests later and while I can mostly breathe through my nose, my chest is congested and if I talk too much, I start to cough. I’m tired all the time and can only focus for a bit. Time seems to fly by as I don’t get much done. It’s really strange. This has knocked me on my butt.

I told you the older kid had it first. The younger one is feeling about the same as me, but the other one is better. So I’m hoping it’s just a matter of time before we’re all better. But it’s a huge drag to be sick and this isn’t even Covid (for which I’m grateful)!

I’ve barely been on WP so if I am missing some of your posts, that’s why. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but this is more than a summer cold/flu. I’ve had antibiotics which did nothing to help, so I guess it’s just going to take time. I’ve missed some special events because of it, but that can’t be helped. At least I’m still here.

I’ve heard other people say that they know people who have had something similar that’s going around and it hung on for weeks. I’m hoping that’s not the case with me, even though tomorrow marks the beginning of week three. At least I can cook a little again because getting take out was expensive.

Anyway, just checking in to see how you are all doing. I can’t believe July is almost done! Time has flown by.

Posted in finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

No Covid, But I’m Sick

I know I’m super sensitive so that’s partly the reason for wanting to step out of it all. There’s so much going on lately behind the scenes in all parts of my life. I can’t really explain it to any one because I really don’t know how to tell it, so I don’t. I don’t speak of it.

I’ve spent the last week and a half sick. Like fever of over 100 sick, extreme tiredness sick, coughing what feels like my left lung up, stuffed up nose and head, congested lungs…I could go on and on. But after being rapid tested again for the second time, I’m still covid negative. I even had a chest X-ray which looked clear (although they scared me with a shadow). Whew.

I’ve been laying on the couch in my hot house with the air conditioner blasting watching Netflix and falling asleep to shows over and over. I can’t keep my eyes open, nor do I care to at all. Because I’m feeling done lately. Not like I’m going to off myself, but just done with everything. I’m tired of shouldering it all and so maybe getting so freaking sick is my body/mind giving me a way to just escape from the world and all the baloney.

Well, I’ll take it. But I’d love a side of air-conditioning that works, unless with all the sweating I’ve been doing, means that I’m losing weight. LOL

Posted in Covid-19 Virus | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

Duck Duck Goose!

Do you remember playing this game – Duck Duck Goose! – as you tapped someone on the head and they jumped up to run around the seated circle of kids while you ran to get to your spot before they tagged you? Or is that one of those Gen X games that nobody remembers playing?

I was thinking last night about how as Gen X’ers we had different rules than nowadays. I know that I parent differently than my own parents did me, even though there are similarities. Often I’m reminded of how life was different back then. My childhood wasn’t really a walk in the park with an overbearing father and a traditional mostly stay-at-home mother who between them had secrets. But what legacy they gave me was this: RESILIENCE.

Fall off of your bike? You had to get back on. Learn to swim? I was tossed into the pool. Overcome fear of the ocean? Dragged in and left there to battle the waves, alone, while he watched from the shoreline.

Face the fear and do it anyway. Or be tossed in to face the fear and survive. Does any of this feel similar to your childhood? And if you’re a parent now, do you do the same that was done to you? Or did you soften it or not push your kids at all?

I don’t push my kids as I was pushed in the same manner. However, I will make them ‘get back up on the horse’ when they have fallen off and are afraid to ride. It’s that inner Knowing that they can do it, they just have to face the fear and they will realize that they can do it again. But I am a big believer in not letting fear after something happens keep them from enjoying something.

Example: One kid had a car accident. Hit almost head on. Car was totaled, but luckily neither was hurt. The accident took place near our home on a highway we frequently drive. Two days after the accident, I asked him to take me somewhere in my car. He didn’t want to do it, but I insisted. I had already driven him past the intersection a few times when he was safely a passenger. When he drove my car, I was the passenger. I watched his hands clench on the steering wheel, but he did it. We repeated it a few times until he thought he was more comfortable and then he drove it alone in the car. He was very unhappy with my parenting at the time, but it has made him stronger and I stand by my technique.

Do you have any examples? What do you think about RESILIENCE?

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